When my most volatile couple did THIS, the entire suffering apex of their relationship upleveled, even though they would be the last to have predicted it ever would.
Sometimes the couples who some may think won’t make it, are the ones who end up surprising you the most.
Like my clients Tess and Tina.
They both came from family histories where there was a lot of arguing, power struggles.. interspersed with long periods of silence.. detachment and disconnection.
I could see the wear on their faces.. it had done them a deep bit of harm.
Their eyes.. the pupils looked small and contracted.. usually a good indicator of fear and isolation energy. I have a highly sensitized intuition, kind of spiritual psychological xray vision, which sees soul movement through the body….and in their eyes, were hurtin’ lonely, separated souls, lovers and people.
And this harm had resulted in them arguing for power, for control… for dominance, and then long periods of silence, like a stand off for more control, to see who would cave first.
Ever been through this or know someone who has?
In the beginning I had to help them ground with palpable, in the body mindfulness practice. just to get them out of their head so that the reactivity of the arguing had a chance to settle down, and to access connection through their hearts.
That took a little while.. there was so much fear of being abandoned,
And to help their nervous systems start to settle into some relaxation, we’d bring presence right into the most troublesome of the stories about who did what.. or what happened.. and get right underneath the wounded banter, and into presence with the most difficult of the sensations to tolerate that went along with the stories..
They felt so insecure in their connection, and they bickered because of that, and because I have advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (the badass work in the couples world) for couples.. we worked for a while to identify the negative disconnection cycle between them, team up against it, and then find new ways to relate and re-engage on a healthier level.
And ONLY when healthier re-engagement was happening, we started having the real conversation about the aloneness and isolation. And the feeling of pain at the separateness between them.
And only then, were they able to creatively CALL IN.. the support they needed for all the places that needed it; the injured places, alone places, abandoned places, the isolated places.. untouched and hurt parts.. they decided;
- to declare it, ask for it, and decide it was time for them to experience it.
- to bring the energy of that into their bodies
- and their minds, in the way they thought, especially about each other (you can imagine the dissolving of negative thought work this required.)
- and from the depth of their hearts, by actually learning to inhabit their physical heart.. and to bring compassion and tenderness to the aloneness, the injuries, the bickering…
- to feel INTO all others, just like them, ever having had the same challenges, currently experiencing them.. or those experiencing them in the future… and THEN.. the spell broke! {{ thanks to the teachings of some of the great Buddhist masters that have helped me embody loving kindness meditation, and be able to translate that into couples work, just like this…}}
Built upon the foundation of these things.. and practicing them over and over was how they restored their reconnection, closeness and intimacy. This was some of the work for this couple, based upon how things presented, but because each couple is so unique in their resources, and the form of what they truly desire…I sensitively, and intuitively curate from literally 30 years of extensive training, the perfect healing alchemy from different modalities for THEM to land in Hot Sex, Love and Closeness.
Think of it like a funnel, but for your partnership to take you from where you are to exactly where you want to be.. your own version of..
Hot Sex.. Loving.. and Closeness.. and you get to have this even if you have kids.. It’s hardly negotiable, and if you try.. ignoring it will come and irritate you like a wicked drama to get your attention..
Enough of that.
Allow me to support you, I’d love to co-create your unique Hot Sex, Love and Closeness healing funnel and crucible…with you as well.
