Mark and Eric had been together for 8 years. They had two sons and were both successful entrepreneurs.
But they had reached a real impasse in their relationship.
Things hadn’t got any deeper or closer in the last year and both of them couldn’t figure out exactly why.
They felt lonely and a sense of drifting.
There’s talk about business glass ceilings, but there can also be relationship ones as well.
Where you’ll only go so far with what you desire, but not seem to go further.
Because there are unseen expectations of the other that may be floating around.
I knew that I had to ask them about this. I felt strain and pressure in my own self when they were talking about it, so that’s pretty instructive that they felt some pressure too, about their limits and I had to see what this was.
And we explored this using inquiry, emotionally focused therapy for couples and also family system dynamics, to really get at the unseen expectations that may be running the show.
And when I asked each one of them about the level of inner honesty, within, (similar to what they expected of each other) and had observed, it shook things up. They both noticed the way they subtly closed that inquiry down, shut it off, or changed the subject.
I brought their attention to this.
They giggled.
They knew it was true.
And I asked them to get more honest in their self-assessment
…for intimacy
…for closeness
…for love
And they did it.. because they wanted to be close.
Starting with just a simple step – start to ask the real self-assessment and inquiry questions.. “how do I relate to this need or desire?” to get the ball rolling.
You do want the closeness, right?
So if you do, the next time —
…before you get ‘clear’ with your partner on exactly what’s needed from them before you go to next level closeness, …before you withhold or contract away from connection because they’re not going deep enough with you
…before you ‘play it safe’, but staying in the comfortable because they are too
Don’t.
Lean into how honest you’re really being about intimacy with yourself, and therefore intimacy with your relationship.
Be that honest with yourself.
Be truly self-assessing.
And be the intimacy you seek.
It’s literally going to change you and your relationship world.
What’s one little step you can take today to make space for more honest self-assessment about where your needs come from?
