Author: Joanna Intara

We all want to be released from conflict, challenge and disconnection in our relationships.

But so often, we just don’t know what to do instead.

So if you’ve been feeling like there’s a rub in your relationship this week, a little something that’s bothering you, and you’re not sure what to do, PSSST… Check this out instead.

So often when there’s challenge, honestly, I see people really try to get rid of it.

They try to do everything to get away from it.

This includes fighting against it, addicting against it, distracting against it, flying away into some other world, or just hoping it magically goes away.

Endless Fights?

Bickering?

Power Struggles?

Too much phone, or Netflix or Podcasting… or addictions and distractions of any kind…

Checking out the new norm?

And the sad thing is, that none of these work, and nor will they EVER.

Fortunately after thousands of client hours, and several attempts to work with this myself I do know what works.

So I want you to try this.

Next time you have a conflict, do not try to get rid of it.

Don’t try to make it go away.

Guard against thoughts that would have you try to annihilate it or wish it wasn’t there.

And I want you to SHIFT YOUR FOCUS.

I want you to find one small place in your body that feels good.

If you can’t find a place that feels good or pleasurable, find a place where there is the absence of pain.

Got it?

Good.

When you get into that place in your body, find the sensation there.

Is that warm or cold?
Is it prickly or tingly?
Is it achy and dull?
Or is it sharp and bright?

Name the sensation.

Chances are that if it is a place of pleasure and or a place where there is no pain there’s going to be a good sensation there.

When you’ve got the sensation, I want you to breathe into, become aware of it, bring your presence to, bring your attention to, and focus on it.

I want you to keep doing this with every inhale and exhale.

And then I invite you to keep seeing what’s happening.

Ten times out of ten in my work with people, flow happens, disillusion of difficult states happens, more opportunities become available, more creativity opens up, more solutions come into consciousness.

And this is what you want.

The more you breathe with these sensations, the more that you are wiring into your nervous system the necessary resourcing and support that you actually need so that you can come back to the conflict and then it has a much better chance of being resolved.

Let me know ONE area this week you’re considering applying this to.

For me, I like working with a warmth in my heart, and I’m going to keep breathing that in and out through and through, after out through and through, and let it spread its yummy goodness all throughout my being.

Can’t wait to hear what you decide to do as well because I know it’s going to be excellent in helping you cultivate the hot sex love and closeness that you so deeply need and desire.

I want to tell you about my clients Mel and Mia.

They were parents in their late 30s with two daughters.

And when I first met them, there was something they felt was missing from their relationship. They described it as {and maybe you recognize your own relationship in them}
– a lack of vitality,
– a feeling of the juiciness not being there in the way they wished,

And it was really painful for them because they wanted so much to feel more integrated, to feel happier and to turn up the volume on their hot sex, love and closeness.

As I listened to them, not only with my mind, but with my heart and my full body, I became aware of a tightness in my central channel, (The area from my third eye all the way down the center of my body to my root).

I often sit with the different sensations in my body, and the feelings that come up when I sit with every client or couple.

No two are alike, and from my years of training and experience, I have learned to let what comes up in my field speak to me and inform me about what might be going on with the couple.

As I sat with this sensation and experienced, I noticed that there was a flatness in the couple.

And I was really curious about it.

Curiosity is one of the main awakened qualities that I believe ends the problem of knowing what the other person thinks or what you “know is going on” in your part of the dynamic.

So often what we think we know, isn’t really what’s going on at all but something entirely different.

And in this couple as I asked them what they would like to experience more of, I notice this experience in my central channel becoming more loose, and a little bit softened.

That told me that I was on the right path.

I listened in, and moved closer into really hearing them more deeply.

Mel started.

“I just feel like we’re not maximizing all the hard work we’ve been doing. It feels like it only goes so far and I wish there was more that we could do to increase the vitality in our life, our energy, to have more creativity and family and at work and in our community. We really need more creativity and more energy all across the board, but sometimes it’s just so overwhelming. “

I asked Mia a similar question and her response was very similar.

She said, “It only goes so far all of our efforts and I don’t understand why. But I do want it to go farther. But I feel like we’re stuck here.”

I then asked them from all of my years of working with trauma and attachment issues, what the feelings were like in their body.

And wouldn’t you know, the next thing they were sharing with me was exactly the same sensation that was in my central channel.

They described it to the ‘T’.

We began to work with it by really inquiring as to what those sensations were in the center.

Both of them were willing to look right within and see that those sensations seem to be able to only go so far and it mirrored what was happening in their life with some decent enough hot sex, love and closeness, but not enough in the way that they wanted to have a larger field of connection and relating, creating in their lives, and discovery.

So I guided them to be very present to the edges of those central channels.

And as we kept bringing presence to them, flow started to happen, the dissolution of the hard edge started to happen and movement started to happen.

This is really wonderful because they were doing it together and from my understanding of family systems combined with trauma work and nervous system understanding they began to co-create a healing and intimately connected nervous system that would guide their challenging spots into deeper flow and creation, which is exactly what they wanted.

We kept working with the edges of the heart and sensation, and it kept dissolving and moving into more flow.

Eventually, there were lots of wonderful physical movement happening in the session.

Arms were moving, bodies were moving, a little untraditional for what people think of when it comes to talk therapy or coaching.. but well, #thatsme

Sure I talk with people, but the real multi-dimensional change work definitely expresses itself in a different manifestation than probably anything like you’ve ever seen before because it’s what I know gets the biggest results, and is why so much of talk therapy only relationships fails.

Both Mel and Mia really desired to capitalize on the power of what connected sex, love and closeness brings, to work, to friendships, to family, to community, to healing, also to softening, repairing and ease together in connection.

We kept working with the hardened sensations right at the edge of where things had only gone so far.

And we all witnessed, with how the entire circle of their lives shifted, there was a huge blossoming that happened, opportunities opened, relationships became larger and more generous, their community was truly flowering in connection and deep care; all the things they had wanted, all by learning the power of generating the goodness of what was already there into more of what they deeply desired.

This is absolutely available for you as well.

If you’re reading this and going ‘wow I really want that, can I have that?’..or even if you’re reading this and feeling further gone than this couple you can STILL have it.

The answer is, yes you can have that, it’s your birthright to have it, you deserve to have it, and somewhere in there you really need to have it as well, there becomes a point where it is no longer negotiable.

And I know from having done this work so deeply inside my own self, with my husband, in our relationship, in all the places where it was so so challenging and so edgy, the other side is full of softness, closeness, vitality, a powerful field of co-care, co-connection, co-curiosity and co-discovery and ultimately a relationship that is better than I ever knew it could be.

This is what’s available to you, and it’s right here in the containers that I hold that I am inviting you to step into now.

So that you can have the hot sex, love and closeness that you desire, and not only that, but you can utilize it to generate even more powerful healing in all the places that need it all over your life.

That is worth its weight in gold.

What is ONE thing you’re going to do this week to start to create a bigger vision for the life you want?

I myself, am going to take some time on revisiting my vision of how I would like my life to be. And then I’m going to look at my relationship to see what can be generated from there, because I know how powerful it is, and I value the power of creativity and decision making to truly have what we desire.

Now it’s your turn.

Gosh, I wish I had this information 25 years ago.

At the time, I was in the middle of what turned out to be a ten year long relationship, and overwhelmed by more shadows than I could imagine.

I felt the need to have all of my issues together as I was pursuing this field, but in the depth of my heart and soul, I did not know at the time how deeply I was being initiated into the work that I now offer to you almost 30 years later.

My husband also, in his own life was being initiated through the relationships that he experienced as well, and both of us did not know how to do this one thing that I’m going to share with you that made true love grow bigger and provide truly soul satisfying hot sex, love and relationship fulfillment.

What was this?

We had to learn how to truly grab a hold of the starting place, or inception point, as I call it, of where activation of a potential danger happens, a perceived danger that can disconnect you, and what we had to learn to do instead, was to learn to nip it in the bud with the resources inside of us, that we grew, that would help us do that.

So what was it that actually helped us grab a hold of it?

How do you ride the tail of a wild dragon?

If you’re a big spirited person, colorful, vibrant, and have big energy which most of my clients have, it can be really challenging and you might really wonder if you’re with the wrong person, or wondering what else it’s going to take because no matter how many times you try, you just can’t seem to find a way to tame the dragon’s tail.

My husband will look at me with a funny look in his face, and he’d say to me, “Babe! I really don’t know how we’re gonna do this, you’re so set in your position here, and I’m set in my position over here. And we’re just not connecting. Let’s take another break.”

That was really hard, because we had to face what was overwhelming for us many times before we could fully develop the resources to hold it, and give it what it needs.

But we did.

And the most important thing was that we learned was to find a true way, a resourced way, to open up AND TRULY HANDLE to the big energies that got created between us.

If we were going to create big together, we also had the potential to create big problems together as well. I know I’m not the only one who experiences this.

And that was really hard to face, it was humbling, it brought up shame, and it also brought up a tremendous feeling of smallness because of the young places that were just too emotionally unintegrated at the time. For example, we both suffered with feeling not enough in places and also places where we just felt like we were too much. We both felt community with each other when we discovered that those places were pretty young, and instead of letting the negative cycle of struggle dominate us, we teamed up and found humanity and compassion and each other instead.

I’ll be honest with you, we just kept practicing, and practicing, and practicing, and there became a tipping point when those things that used to create a horrible rub between us, eventually became softer, and they became more filled with love, and no, it didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen.

And you know, that’s what grace really is, it’s meeting what’s there, not trying to make it different, not trying to put your spin on it, not the other person putting their spin on it, no struggle for dominance, no struggle for control, no struggle for competition, but simply, straightforwardly, with all of your love and presence absolutely meeting what is there without resistance or defense or any kind of hiding or avoidant behavior.

This is what creates grace.

We’ve heard the song, I once was lost, but now I’m found.

This is what happened to us, and this is what could happen for you if you can find the way to let everything that’s there actually truly be met for what it needs, in true presence, and in embodied awareness.

So for us, meeting those enoughness wounds with a presence we could actually feel IN our bodies, which literally changed everything, and made it so that the same old dramas could finally rest in the deep healing with the presence they had been calling out for all along. Sounds so much easier when said and much harder to actually do.

So if you need support or a mentor, get that, do that, it is so worth it for the gifts that it brings, the closeness and intimacy I now experience, the depth of love that is unlike any other love I have ever known, and the ability to create and drop into a beautiful sexual connection, at any time you wish, yes, even if you have children!

Honestly, these are deep and precious jewels. Let that sink in. And the value of that sink in too. What kind of different life can you create with these jewels securely nestled in your hearts together?

You can’t live your life without them unless you’ve decided on the monastic path, for whatever reason, and that’s fine, but that’s not most of you, so if you’re reading this and feeling a resonance, I just want you to know how critical these linchpin activation points are and how critical it is that whatever support is needed right in those places, it gets it,

– so that you both get it as well
– and that conflict gets it
– and the dynamic gets it
– and you feel held and present
– and you’re in grace because there’s no more fight
– and there’s no struggle because you’re in grace.

And it keeps working like that, and then miracles of things that before used to seem impossible will now start to happen and unfold and you’ll be amazed at what you can see.

There is love, closeness, connection and sex happening for me now that I never would have imagined three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago, I couldn’t even have pictured it.

But doing the work, that’s what makes it happen, that’s what makes it unfold.

So, isn’t it your time to have this?

Let me know if you feel comfortable, ONE thing you’re going to do this week to just to start to create more love and grace in your relationship?