Author: Joanna Intara

Sometimes my couples get into a rut.

They’ve cleared away a lot of the triggers, but there are some pernicious little buggers that seem to resurface just when people think the coast is clear.

You’re having a nice Sunday at the beach, followed by a great lunch, maybe a glass of wine…and there it comes.. round the bend of an innocent little comment…from one of the kids… that launched you both into a full scale mini horrible impasse and YOU had to take a time out, not your kids lol.

Ughh.. it’s SO not fun, and it drives me nuts when people pretend it doesn’t happen, but it does… more than people acknowledge…

And my job is to help people feel more supported in being more open about it…

And that’s why I’m here.. with a practice for you, for EXACTLY this…

And that is..

.. to reveal even more vulnerability..
…to be even more honest in how something makes you feel
…to be undefended about it

… and TO have even greater compassion, empathy and creative supports to let that vulnerability get integrated.

So for example, if you’re the one getting triggered out of nowhere, you can stop, breathe, find the vulnerable feeling, the innermost truth of it, take another deep breath and share it with your partner.

No defense, no attack, no critique… just sharing from that place.

Now, how good would that feel?

Just imagine it..

How would that feel in your body… what are the sensations that go along with that…and then breathe into them.. and let that goodness spread all over your body..

And then see what’s next…

Practice this = no more tenacious Sunday mishaps.

Lemme hear a ‘yes’ in the comments if you’re in.

Can’t wait to hear what you think.

So often couples have an idea of the trigger, they know something bothers them more than it should, but it keeps repeating over and over again.

Ya know?

They’ve worked so hard to get in touch with what’s causing the blow up or fight, but STILL not at the bottom of it to actually stop it and experience closeness.

And they don’t know what to do.

But if they could get to the bottom of the trigger, they’d no longer have the same upsets.

So here’s a practice to nudge you in that direction this week.

Sit across from your partner.

Identify the current place where your kids are truly driving you nuts. (We all have them so no shame in acknowledging.)

Name the feeling.

Identify if the feeling is a primary feeling. A primary feeling is a feeling that the one we feel first, often fear, or hurt or sadness. They are usually underneath a secondary feeling, which is more like a reaction to a primary feeling not being okay or allowed to be there.

For example, when my child talks my ear off, non stop, I feel worried I won’t get all my work done.

And it’s important to know the difference.

Switch turns.

Each person now has identified their primary feeling.

… and now…take turns asking each other.. what does the primary feeling need?

…what would help it?

…what kind of support does it ask for?

I GUARANTEE you this inquiry is thoughtful, sensitive and build trust, connection and mutual support.

and I KNOW if you practice it, every time you get charged up from the kids.. because let’s face it.. you WILL..get… triggered!

You will get exactly what you need.. right at the very root.

And then..

you’ll have more space…

more peace…

more awareness…

less reactivity…

more ease…

more relaxation…

more connection…

love… and sex.. and family goodness….

It all goes together.

Know someone who needs this today?

Tag them in the post.

And heart ❤️ me in the comments so I’ll know who to send the positive vibes to this week.

I’d love to offer you some good mojo..

When we can acknowledge how our kids can trigger the EFF out of us, we can finally get closer to reclaiming parts of ourselves, or our own inner child, so we can get closer to our partners and have an easier family life.

Which naturally frees us up to be happier, lighter and get hot, loving and connected.

Now that’s something I want you to have.

Because this life is precious and so are these days you have with each other.

I don’t have to tell you that time goes by quick.

And kids do what they do.. and they have this uncanny knack for knowing exactly where we are stuck… and then ramping it up on their end.. often with sibling support (if there’s two).

So here’s what to do.

Sit in front of your partner.

Take turns – first person acknowledges a recent event where something the kids did that triggered you – second person just listens and says thank you for sharing that.

Next.

First person takes a few minutes to say, “When Jan did TRIGGERING THING…I felt FEELING…and it reminded me of PART OF INNER CHILD…or it triggered TRIGGER SPOT.”

So for example, my client Bill said to his wife Janna, ‘Janna, when you got critical of our son, I felt HURT.. and it reminded me of my hurt little boy that often got criticized by my mother.’

Second person listens, says ‘thank you for telling me that’, and takes their turn.

No one is right or wrong.

And it creates,

• openness to exploring our reactions
• awareness of our triggers and partners triggers
• safety to explore them

What do you imagine this would be like for couples to do this more often?

Who wants to feel less triggered around your kids?

My hand is raised.

Because I know admitting this and doing the honest work ongoingly is key.

Who’s ready to do it with me?

If so, share with us one thing below that triggers you about your children. No judgment zone here. I’ll do the same.

When I first saw them, Bill and Mara were so reactive, I wasn’t sure what was going on.

But I knew I had to help them quick, or they were gonna blow up and split apart.

“You always defend our son and let him not clean up after himself, instead of taking my side, and us standing united,” Mara lashed out angrily and with deep hurt.

Bill struggled to keep his composure, but underneath he felt guilty, and was defensive because he was being attacked, so he did what many of us can do, he lashed back.

“Mara, if he wants to wait till when he feels like it, that’s fine and you shouldn’t be so tight about it and give the kid a break.”

I took a deep breath, hoping to slow things down in the room, long enough to help them do the same.

Or at least start to make a little more space,
to hear each other,
to see what was actually going on,
to get to the bottom of it,
to see their inner parts in it,
to see what was actually being touched that they both had no idea of,
to get to the real healing conversation,
and integrate the disowned pieces of their emotional selves,
and get connected again,
and restore family balance,
which leads to hot sex, connection and love.
And that is what we did.

Over and over.

With patience,

With space,

With understanding,

With care,

With depth and openness,

And a whole lotta love.

on REPEAT.

Until they became CONNECTED.

And BIGGER than their triggers and saved their sweet little family.

Anyone know someone like Bill and Mara?

And how they got through it?

Or what you’d offer them from your own experience?

Because couples like Bill and Mara are everywhere.

Maybe you’re just like them and there’s no shame if you are,

Maybe about to blow apart, or have another cold night apart, tossing in the sheets,

when you could be feeling close and connected and enjoying some hot nookie instead?

And if you’re like them, you know you HAVE to do something about it…

Because your precious love and relationship are at stake.

…your connection

…your happiness

…all the amazing sex you’re meant to have

…and the magic you’re meant to make together

…and the good times you’re meant to have

….and the fun times that’s meant to be with your kids, conflict free

…and the massive love you’re meant to enjoy and cherish and have a blast with

THIS.. this is what I’m seeing now with Bill and Mara.

They no longer have the grip on their positions about kids triggers.

They talk easily.

They connect on the edgy spots with care, creativity and ease.

They laugh.

They rejoice in conflicts being easy to navigate.

And the hot epic sex they’re having.. whoa it was smokin’ in the room those last few sessions.

–> And they’re doing it BECAUSE they looked at their relationship to their inner emotional parts, their patterns of thinking and acting with each other, which is EXACTLY what got them to the other side.

And I’m thrilled.

Another happy couple.

Free from drama-trauma triggers.

Who else is ready for this?

How would you have navigated this?

Or are you finally ready to navigate it yourself?

Do yourself, your relationship and your family a favor and let’s chat.

I’ve got ONE spot open this week for anyone who is wanting to turn up the hotness, love and intimacy in their love relationship…..even if you haven’t been having it for a while… get on this while there’s openings.. you can tell me any one thing you want help within your relationship.. and I’ll share with you the MOST EFFECTIVE thing that will totally help you.

It’s time to do this.

What do you desire most in your relationship right now?

Some of you have been sharing with me that you get what it’s like to arrive at adult relationships and not really know what to do to have all the Hot Sex, Love and Closeness that you desire and deserve.

Not to mention, having kids and the complications that can bring up EVERYTHING.

And really, I want you to know; I FEEL you!

And HOW MUCH, you’re so NOT ALONE.

In a world where everyone talks about having it all together, I see you there dealing with this.

This is an epidemic and every time I share about this work in the podcast (https://www.besoulfulfilled.com/hot-sex-love-and-closeness/), the group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/278275709185342/) , or just connecting with peers and clients, I hear another heart-breaking tale of the ones who didn’t make it because they could not get this stuff sorted out. And, how needed this work is.

They blame themselves, suffer in silence and hurt each other.

This is NOT REQUIRED or necessary… but so many feel stuck and just don’t know what else to do to feel the closeness and connection with their partner they long for.

And so often, especially when the kids come, the dynamics that you already have as a couple, get intensified and become more vivid, dynamic and colorful (many times, not in an easy or good way).

Which can lead to even more distress, more disconnection, more wondering and freaking out..which leads to complicated unhappiness cycles..

I wish someone had told me these things…and what to do.

Because this happened to me, someone who has studied this for years!

I couldn’t make sense of the intensity of my own reactions to things that should have been simple.

And I certainly was lost when my husband had similar reactions.

Like, why did I really care so much if the kids went to bed five minutes later than what was needed, and why did it bother him so intensely when I preferred the baby bottles cleaned just so?

The grip of our positions…

…the tight look in our eyes..

…the cold, distant nights

…and our earliest templates from life sprouting up like skeletons from the closet, with the potential to breathe new life into us through the birth of our children, NOT that it felt that way though at the time…

Seemingly innocent things, had the power to trigger DRAMA.

Ever been there?

Want to know what to do?

You know.. It’s hard!

And you can feel like you’re stuck, or worse, not gonna make it if it continues.

And like Eckhart Tholle has said, “The drama in your life will end when you accept things as they are…”

Except I didn’t see that happening anytime soon. I just wanted things the way I wanted them…And so did he…

And try as we might, getting to the root of what was going on didn’t seem on the horizon anytime soon either.

And things got more heated between us.

I spent time with friends, away on my own and in therapy.

We were coexisting and co-parenting, but not really having connection, caring and compassioning in the ways that we needed to.

We had to stop the negative cycle.

And learn how to get to the root of what was REALLY creating the disconnection.

So we sat with it and got help, lots of help, lots of couples work, couples workshops, couples groups where we worked with other couples and I took note.. in some of our most raw states.. and were witnessed, held and loved.

And eventually, we saw that it had nothing to do AT ALL with the bedtime, or the bottles.

But of the deep underlying, primal emotion that each action contained within it, underneath.

And we’d learn to ask each other, “what’s trying to happen here? “

That was the question that helped.

Because then we could see, that a deeper discussion about our connection to the emotions of the bottles and bedtimes was needed, and a real connection with the vulnerability and unprocessed emotion inside of it was calling to be cleared and properly processed.

And we did.

On this incident and a thousand more.

Because that IS what kids trigger..not because they plan to or try to.. but just because they are mirrors of what we have projected on to them; the good, the bad, and the ugly….the whole damn lot.

They bring it all out.

Their developmental journey’s jiggle yours as well, the ones you had, and that you haven’t completed, but now have the opportunity to do so.

And they will do that; press that button, trigger it, razzle it.. UNTIL YOU HEAL IT.

And if you don’t, they and you will suffer, and the price can be great.

And sometimes I see parents who don’t know what else to do but label or make the child the problem.

How many couples do you know that have blasted apart because they just couldn’t get to the bottom of things?

And didn’t you wish you could do something, to help them or yourself?

Because really! This is workable, healable and resolvable.

I KNOW this because I went through it.

From profound insecurity in the connection to deep secure emotional bonding.

And I have ZERO doubts that I can help you resolve it as well.

Because isn’t it time?

And isn’t your precious family connection and closeness worth it?

And the price you’ve paid for the struggle…enough…?

You’ve got to end the bankruptcy of this struggle.. and protect your beautiful reservoir of love before it’s too late..

And it can get too late…when there’s too much damage and destruction done.

When the rifts between you have grown too wide and you’re like islands in the stream wondering IF you can ever get your connection back..

And yet, you love your person, you know there’s more than THIS drama.. trauma and disconnection.

So you do the right thing.

You take action.

You get to the bottom of it.

And you heal and you prevent your children from carrying forward any of the issues you had or have.

Because it’s possible.

And you did not come here to stay where you are now, did you?

Who else is resonating with this and ready to get going not wasting another minute to the painful challenges between you?

I can’t wait to connect with you because I KNOW this stage is temporary and it will move, but only if you take the steps now to put the necessary work in to heal and resolve it.

And you know if you’re called, you’re all ready to get this sorted out or at least start the journey.

And… I’ve got ONE spot open this week for anyone who is wanting to turn up the hotness, love and intimacy in their love relationship…..even if you haven’t been having it for a while… get on this while there’s openings.. you can tell me any one thing you want help within your relationship.. and I’ll share with you the MOST EFFECTIVE thing that will totally help you.

We had a BLAST on our recent LIVE STREAM chatting on all the things that you don’t want to miss on HOW TO make closeness and connection with your beloved happen more easily.

And I KNOW you don’t want to miss out on how to do that because you haven’t given up on receiving the kind of connection and closeness you desire.

And because I want you to have the connection you so deeply desire and deserve in love and partnership I’m going to go into EXACTLY the two things you need to do to address your desire to connect and get close and make it EASIER.

I don’t want you to miss this opportunity to find out how to open up to closeness and intimacy, even if it’s been feeling challenging lately, so TUNE in HERE to get all the answers to questions you have.

I’m going to cut straight to the chase and give you exactly what’s going to help you get the connection and closeness you’ve been wanting.

In this Live Stream, I shared on…

The 2 Things You Must Do In Order To Improve The Closeness & Intimacy Factor In Your Partnership.

• You’ll find out what to do so you can restore authentic connection, even if it’s been challenging lately, especially for parents.
• The 2 THINGS you can do right now to turn up the closeness and intimacy factor, and what to do to close the connection gap right away.
• How diving into this work and looking deeply at it will change your relationship, your family life, and turn on creative juices, and, a-hem, ATTRACTION like never before.

Can’t wait to hear what you think.

You’re going to LOVE it.

Okay, that was vulnerable to invite.

I felt a shudder for a moment..my heart thumped with adrenaline.. what if they don’t like that, what if they go away or think it’s crazy.

Typical ego fears.. right?

And yet, THAT is vulnerability.

And, I lead with my truth..and what I KNOW for a fact is gonna make you closer, more connected, and have better sex and intimacy.. and.. if you’re a parent with a family, is going to deeply imprint your kids with EXACTLY how this is done so your kids start at a whole different level of alrightness when it comes to expressing vulnerability.

And how I felt. that IS vulnerability.. my idea, or yours, for whatever reason is possibly emotionally dangerous..

So I dared you.. to SAY and express the vulnerable thing.. the emotional feeling thing at the edge of your challenges with your beloved.. the thing you DON’T say.. or think you SHOULD’NT say, or are worried to SAY…

THAT thing..

That’s the thing..that IF you don’t say.. eventually worms it’ s way into drama and conflict or difficulty.

And are you really willing to let it unfold THAT old way….

Can you imagine will happen if you DO say it?

And what support might you need to do that?

Let me know what you think it takes to do it?

Here are some examples of vulnerable things my clients have shared with their partners:

• when you get angry with me, I feel hurt and scared
• when you get sad, I feel worried that it will never stop
• when you got critical with the kids last night, I was anxious that you were going to get critical with me

Daring.. Caring.. Sharing..

To start.

Can’t wait to hear what you come up with.

Tell us one thing below that you feel vulnerable to share in your life (Could be with your boss, partner, a friend, etc. Just get it out and be seen in it).

Vulnerability, which is the idea that something you could say or feel, that has you feel susceptible to emotional harm.. is what makes most people run for the hills.

But for those who succeed, it is the GATEWAY to deeper Hot Sex, Love and Closeness.

Who’s ready for more of that?

So for this week.. because I, and YOU want you to have that soul-satisfying closeness and connection, I want you to identify the areas that you normally hold back in…and find the true feeling inside of it.. and WITHOUT any blame, critique or attack.. simply and emotionally nakedly, share them with your partner.

It can be as simple as this.

“When you said WHAT THEY SAID OR DID, I felt VULNERABLE FEELING.

And to get even more close and connected?

Practice and Repeat.

Who wants more closeness that includes TOTAL OKAYNESS having this kind of conversation?

And who wants it to bring you closer?

Share with us below one of your own statements.

So many of my clients in relationship complain or criticize that they don’t have the closeness they desire.

They crave it so much, they don’t realize when that desire shifts from being constructive to disconnecting.

What IF, you could get a better view on yourself?

• what you do when you feel vulnerable?
• how do you cultivate intimacy and closeness with all your inner parts?
• how often do you share your intimate vulnerable parts with your beloved?

Not easy, right?

But that is exactly the work we are all doing.. learning to share these parts

• creatively
• constructively
• cooperatively
• and caringly

WITH our partners, when it’s sticky, when it’s hard.. when the edges of disconnection creep up,
…AS….THEY… WILL

And you already know they do.. and HOW they do…

So.. what do you see.. how well do you do intimacy and vulnerability in relationship?

How ready are you for solid and secure emotional connection?

And how willing are you to ask the questions above?

The ones that WILL get you what you actually desire…

Consider yourself nudged.

What’s one way you can create intimacy and be vulnerable with your partner this week? Tell us something you’re committed to below!

I’m SO loving sharing with you these stories each week of how REAL parents and couples are ACTUALLY transforming their marriages and partnerships and having huge family love, closeness and connection because I want you to know and believe it’s possible for you.

It’s literally helping people heal disconnection stand offs and restore closeness resulting in better health, happier families, more opportunities at work, pay increases, more sex, become better parents, and it’s all because of how profound it is to heal the ROOT causes of intimacy and closeness problems.

Sometimes there are the couples, maybe you’re one of them, who can NO LONGER tolerate the disconnection and lack of closeness between them.. maybe it’s been going on for a while…

Like it had been for Ben and Ayla.. who had been partnered for 8 years, not married, but one 4 year old and another one on the way.. both working at start-ups, bright, want to be conscious and definitely acknowledged there was some less than savory stresses in both of their family lineages.

So what Ben shared was that his father was an alcoholic, withdrawing from his mom, and had very little inner resources to do relationship at all, let alone well, like Ben himself deeply desired.

These imprints (from his parents on to Ben) made him sometimes drink more than he desired as a way to disconnect from deeper intimacy and closeness when Ayla would make a bid for connection with him.

And the thing is, that Ayla had her own ancestral stresses and trauma too.. her father had abandoned the family when she was 4, the age of her daughter now, and her mom raised Ayla and her older sister with very little, leaving Ayla feeling less than secure when it came to love.

All of us have a line of people that we come from, and they transmit everything about love, connection, but also unresolved injuries and wounds which can create stress if not dealt with.

And so here they were, working with me, ready to call it a day.. both of them not ready to share what it was exactly that made them get into their negative cycle with each other. Negative, in that it was the painful way they connected, but not satisfying to either one of them, because there was no positive emotional connection, just a negative one.

And so, that was the start of our work.. was helping them team up against this negative cycle, so that their precious connection would not be destroyed… and even give a name to the negative cycle.. which they jokingly came up with the title, Cut Out – Insecure, because Ben would cut out of connection, and Ayla would become insecure.

What fun name would you and beloved give to your negative cycle?

Because when you do, you become teamed up, allies, against the emotional disconnection which cuts away at the true love that’s always trying to happen.

And when Ben and Ayla did that, they became more connected.

And Ben would say to Ayla, “Just naming the cycle, helps me feel closer to you. And when I do, I feel able to tell you that I’m scared and sad when we don’t spend time together, just connecting, instead of cutting out which I know hurts you.”

That was pretty connection inspiring… Notice how Ben shared his vulnerability, was intimate about his inner parts, and emphatic as well towards Ayla.

And you can imagine the rest; Ayla felt heard, seen on a deep level, and CONNECTED with what was really going on with Ben, NOT the layers two or three levels above the deepest emotional truth.

Now THAT, is the difference.

Because from there, that is where the creative conversations begin, under the armor, the defense, the fears of being vulnerable and sharing ALL our inner parts.

It always make me smile with delight to watch this unfold in my couples sessions… and the joy that comes, the relief, the connection, the creativity and the CLOSENESS.

And I can hear what some of you are thinking… and I’m taking a stand for you that ‘YES’, you can have this.

Even if…

• no one ever showed you how to do it
• you and your partner have been stuck in a negative cycle for a long time
• you think it’s possible for other couples and not for you
• you’ve pretty much given up on getting the rich emotional closeness and connection you desire
• even if your partner won’t change or join you

It’s your turn now.

I KNOW I can help you flip the disconnection switch… and I believe you can and you will.

Because you deserve it.

Because you desire it.

Because it’s time.

Because it will stoke your creative fires, in work, family and Hot Sex and Love with each other.

Who’s ready to have truly soul-satisfying emotional connection in partnership?

Leave a YES for me in the comments so I can send some positive connection energy vibes your way…

And… I’ve got ONE spot open this week for anyone who is wanting to turn up the hotness, love and intimacy in their love relationship…..even if you haven’t been having it for a while… get on this while there’s openings.. you can tell me any one thing you want help within your relationship.. and I’ll share with you the MOST EFFECTIVE thing that will totally help you.