Category: Blog

One of the best teachings in my year study of Tibetan Buddhism was the practice of Tonglen, or lovingkindness meditation.

I use this with my clients and myself to help metabolize difficult states.

In it, you bring compassion and lovingkindness to the things that seem most undesirable, most unwanted and most rejectable, and bring them into your heart of love instead.

And not only that, when we can bring that heart to all of those just like us, who are going through the same struggle as us, whoever in the past went through it, or in the future will go through it, something irrevocable shifts in us.

So for example, let’s take something really common in relationship.

HURT.

It happens often.

And can be difficult to deal with.

And you could stay that way, and it can fester, like people do for years.

Layers of it.

But because I want you to catapult, I dare you to do this instead.

Find your difficult lonely thing in relationship that YOU deal with.

Name it.

And then,

IMAGINE.

all those who are currently experiencing it right now,
have ever experienced it
or may experience it in the future

And bring your heart of tender love and compassion to them.

Feel your love for them.
For what they are, did, or may go through.

Because you know what it’s like.

You’re having the same pain.

The same loneliness in it.

Extend the heart of compassion and love towards them

Breath by breath.

For a minimum of five minutes. Or more if you can.

It works every time. By the end of this practice, you will notice a shift, you will feel more open, you will feel less alone and you will feel more like this situation is going to be quite alright.

Try it.

The loneliness can’t stay the same.
The separate feelings can’t stay the same.
They won’t.

And let me know ONE way thing you’ll do this week to relieve that lonely feeling so you can have connection and intimacy instead?

I used to look for what was missing in my relationship.

I felt alone, lonely, always separate.

I didn’t understand why I did it, but one day I knew I had to get to the bottom of it.

And what I saw after sitting with the feeling of the missing-ness, the sensations of it in my body, and the emotions in my heart, was that the ego, is the part of us that feels and thinks it IS separate. That is the nature of it’s existence.

And it’s also true, that illusion of separateness is the oldest and most miserable suffering story there is.

It runs all relationship problems, which is why I am bringing this up.

Just try and trace any suffering state – especially the ones that come up in relationship, and you’ll see that they are ALL ego based, all existing alone..

Take for example:

• unhappiness, separate from love and joy
• insecurity, separate from true connection
• jealousy, separate from receiving
• hurt, separate from compassion

All these states, and many more like them, just need to know that they are not alone..

So here’s the thing..

You can stay in them.

Or, you can take ONE of the difficult ones.
Say for you it’s unhappiness…..

And truly begin to be IN relationship with it. (that’s not leaving it alone.)

And find out by asking what it WANTS, what it NEEDS, what it would LOVE to feel happy.

Inquiring into something creates connection.

Connection creates intimacy.

And intimacy creates love.

And love creates all good things, including happiness.

And aloneness… or loneliness, it’s gone..

One of my clients and I did this recently.

She was unhappy.

We clarified the sensations that went along with unhappiness.

And the thoughts, opinions, and stories about it.

And the feelings, emotions and mood that were associated with it.

And then, how it played out in the interpersonal with her partner.

And her primary attitude about it.. she wanted it to go away. So very human, right? We all want relief.

And so it was left all alone.

And that created more unhappiness, and more if it feeling abandoned.

When seeing that, and how it played out.. we called in all the support it needed.

For the thoughts to held, and the opinions to be evaluated to see if they were actually useful. And the stories.. to see if they were even true.

And the feeling, emotions and mood.. those needed a container that as safe and heartfelt to safely drop into.

And the attitude.. we zoomed on what attitude was MOST helpful.. and turns out the PRESENCE was the way not trying to get AWAY as she had been doing instead.

So now it’s your turn.

Find the ONE lonely state and do what I did.

And I promise you, it can’t stay the same.

It won’t.

Practice makes p̶e̶r̶f̶e̶c̶t̶ connection.

And connection is one ingredient of Hot Sex, Love and Closeness that you need, like yesterday.

Well that was fun,
 
To share a transmission of how to start ENDING some serious struggle that will help you have the Hot Sex, Love and Closeness you so deeply crave.
 
Listen, I know it can be FULL on fun house ride in relationship.
 
It’s an evolutionary requirement in relationship to learn how to navigate it.
 
Which is why you should do yourself a favor today and check this out for a few.. it will give you some soulful relationship medicine, deep down, that you know you really need.
 
I can vouch for this medicine because it has helped me…one who has gone from the most intense isolation to the most profound union… in partnership, relationship and marriage…and I want to invite you into the powerful vortex of transmission of the HOW TO actually cross this great divide on our Livestream.
 
We vibed on all things;

• HOW to reduce the feelings of aloneness with practical, no-foo methods.
• What to DO to permanently shift the ego pain of aloneness or feeling separate in any of your relationship spheres.
• And WHY you can’t take this lightly.. the future of your relationship (and/or your family) reality literally depends on THIS.

Can’t wait to see you and help you step into SOVEREIGN freedom when it comes to NO longer feeling separate and alone.
 
It truly takes a village.. and so happy you’re part of this little one we are creating and growing here.
 
Let’s co-create for your highest good…

Every day I talk to couples and people in relationship who feel overwhelmed, stuck and uncertain.
 
They feel insecure, unhappy, and at the bottom of it, alone.
 
The thing is, it doesn’t need to be this way.
 
You’ve just gotten into some habits that don’t serve you, and if you got into them, you can get out of them,.
 
Conditioning our behaviors works either way.
 
For our downfall, or our ascension.
 
So if you’re ready to feel MORE support, more community, I’m here to nudge you into THIS.
 
Ready?
 
Stop looking for what’s missing!
 
And instead, start to CALL IN the support you desire to fulfill you, NOW.
 
Decide the support you want.
 
Decide on the kind of friendship or connection you’d like

• with your thoughts
• with your feelings
• with your body
• with your sexuality
• with your challenges
• with your relationship
• with your spiritual practice
   
  And freakin’ decide to GIVE those things to yourself..
  Whatever it takes.
   
  Be relentless.
   
  This is what I do with clients ALL DAY LONG; support you in giving all these things to yourself, connect to the thoughts that truly empower you, help you access the deeper feelings that open your heart, align with the sensations in your body in a way that helps your body feel like an ally, not an enemy, decipher your challenges and help you find the jewels tucked away underneath the suffering (even if you think there isn’t one), and develop the unique to you spiritual perspective and practices that you need (and hold you to them).
   
  For example:
• grab a hold of thoughts that help you, the opinions that support you, perceptions that uplift you
• deepen and anchor feelings and emotions that love you, have compassion for you, that receive you with acceptance and openness
• find out what and who supports you most desire in your relationship, identifying those people, calling in spiritual support
   
  and RECEIVING that you are SO not alone and taking that in to every place that has ever felt outside of support.
   
  And not stopping until you don’t feel alone anymore.
   
  It is a choice.
   
  And you have the option to make one now in favor of supporting yourself and your relationship.
   
  So tell me, what ONE choice will you make this week that will bring in more support for you and your relationship…I’ll share mine in the comments.

When my most volatile couple did THIS, the entire suffering apex of their relationship upleveled, even though they would be the last to have predicted it ever would.

Sometimes the couples who some may think won’t make it, are the ones who end up surprising you the most.

Like my clients Tess and Tina.

They both came from family histories where there was a lot of arguing, power struggles.. interspersed with long periods of silence.. detachment and disconnection.

I could see the wear on their faces.. it had done them a deep bit of harm.
Their eyes.. the pupils looked small and contracted.. usually a good indicator of fear and isolation energy. I have a highly sensitized intuition, kind of spiritual psychological xray vision, which sees soul movement through the body….and in their eyes, were hurtin’ lonely, separated souls, lovers and people.

And this harm had resulted in them arguing for power, for control… for dominance, and then long periods of silence, like a stand off for more control, to see who would cave first.

Ever been through this or know someone who has?

In the beginning I had to help them ground with palpable, in the body mindfulness practice. just to get them out of their head so that the reactivity of the arguing had a chance to settle down, and to access connection through their hearts.

That took a little while.. there was so much fear of being abandoned,
And to help their nervous systems start to settle into some relaxation, we’d bring presence right into the most troublesome of the stories about who did what.. or what happened.. and get right underneath the wounded banter, and into presence with the most difficult of the sensations to tolerate that went along with the stories..

They felt so insecure in their connection, and they bickered because of that, and because I have advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (the badass work in the couples world) for couples.. we worked for a while to identify the negative disconnection cycle between them, team up against it, and then find new ways to relate and re-engage on a healthier level.

And ONLY when healthier re-engagement was happening, we started having the real conversation about the aloneness and isolation. And the feeling of pain at the separateness between them.

And only then, were they able to creatively CALL IN.. the support they needed for all the places that needed it; the injured places, alone places, abandoned places, the isolated places.. untouched and hurt parts.. they decided;

• to declare it, ask for it, and decide it was time for them to experience it.
• to bring the energy of that into their bodies
• and their minds, in the way they thought, especially about each other (you can imagine the dissolving of negative thought work this required.)
• and from the depth of their hearts, by actually learning to inhabit their physical heart.. and to bring compassion and tenderness to the aloneness, the injuries, the bickering…
• to feel INTO all others, just like them, ever having had the same challenges, currently experiencing them.. or those experiencing them in the future… and THEN.. the spell broke! {{ thanks to the teachings of some of the great Buddhist masters that have helped me embody loving kindness meditation, and be able to translate that into couples work, just like this…}}

Built upon the foundation of these things.. and practicing them over and over was how they restored their reconnection, closeness and intimacy. This was some of the work for this couple, based upon how things presented, but because each couple is so unique in their resources, and the form of what they truly desire…I sensitively, and intuitively curate from literally 30 years of extensive training, the perfect healing alchemy from different modalities for THEM to land in Hot Sex, Love and Closeness.

Think of it like a funnel, but for your partnership to take you from where you are to exactly where you want to be.. your own version of..

Hot Sex.. Loving.. and Closeness.. and you get to have this even if you have kids.. It’s hardly negotiable, and if you try.. ignoring it will come and irritate you like a wicked drama to get your attention..

Enough of that.

Allow me to support you, I’d love to co-create your unique Hot Sex, Love and Closeness healing funnel and crucible…with you as well.

There’s something that every couple goes through that causes disconnection, pain and heartache.

No matter how skilled they are, or how much work they’ve done, they ALL go through this pain.

We all hurt, we all feel disconnected and painfully separate at times, and they all want a way through it, quickly!

And they have.. found their way to cross that great divide, that brings them to closeness and connection, when they’ve worked with me.

And the only reason they’ve been able to do this is because I have walked a similar path.

Truth be told, I came from some pretty profound abuse, trauma, isolation, abandonment and disconnection in my family of origin.

Almost all my clients have some or many of these histories.. at least one of them.

And when you have those kinds of experiences, you can feel alone.

Very Lonely. Isolated.

With no one at your back.

Like a little spaceship out in the great cosmos with no access to earth or ground, isolated, floating in a black hole going nowhere.

And then you get in relationship…and the other person has their version of aloneness…and then it’s like an unconsciously co-created fun house of mirrors that you really don’t want to go through… but you must, so you can get to the other side….where true love and connection reign.

For my husband and I, at more than one point, it became so painful we thought about splitting up, or one of us sleeping in separate rooms for a while. We both felt so utterly alone and like two ships passing in the night, or islands in the stream, and having kids didn’t help either…but it did make us work it out.

I know I’m not alone.

But what excites me to share today, is that I got free from it.

I got through this heartache of the aloneness projection ping-pong, suffering swirl with my husband. And we did it by calling in the most massive kinds of support; mental, emotional, spiritual and physical that you can possibly imagine.

Calling it in meant THAT

• we decided that that cycle needed to be over.
• we asked for help
• we spoke it out loud
• we grounded it in the sensations of our desires for support in our bodies
• into our hearts through feeling
• into our minds through thoughts
• and into the cosmos that all our allies, both physical and non-physical (spirit, and beyond) could support us. {{and boy did they}}
• And, called in the best coaches and healers, to always have an excellent team at our backs.

To just imagine the thousands of people like you and, me, who have either gone through this, are going through this.. or will go through this at some point in the future….

And to take in through feeling and sensing all these people, how very UN-Alone we actually all are…try it just now.

This is what me and my co-warrior hubby for relationship transformation and fulfillment did.. repeatedly. This helped us drink in how not alone we were. And that helped heal the edginess in conflict we felt, open up space between us where things felt tight, and reach the solutions we needed easier.

And that made us dissolve the barriers to ALL that support, through letting go of past pains of aloneness, abandonment, rejection, hurts, injuries, perceived slights, projections, and anything else that could divide up our connection and our precious love.

Yes.. this is some really profound, ego-dissolving soul medicine right here.. and it’s worth drinking it all the way in, down to your bones.. so you both get on track to connect and soul satisfying love the way its’ meant to be, the kind we’re experiencing now.

It’s priceless.

The massive amounts of syndromes it resolves not just in relationship, but inside each one of you separately as well.

What’s a small expression you can declare right now, about support you want to call into places inside that may feel separate.. from love.. or connection.. or closeness? For example, today I’m calling in more support from my allies when I get afraid.

Doing this inner work is the reason I am who I am today, successful, soulful and a woman embodying the Hot Sex, Love and Closeness I’ve needed and desired, and now it’s my sacred responsibility to get this HOW into your hands.