Category: Closeness And Intimacy

Mark and Eric had been together for 8 years. They had two sons and were both successful entrepreneurs.

But they had reached a real impasse in their relationship.

Things hadn’t got any deeper or closer in the last year and both of them couldn’t figure out exactly why.

They felt lonely and a sense of drifting.

There’s talk about business glass ceilings, but there can also be relationship ones as well.

Where you’ll only go so far with what you desire, but not seem to go further.

Because there are unseen expectations of the other that may be floating around.

I knew that I had to ask them about this. I felt strain and pressure in my own self when they were talking about it, so that’s pretty instructive that they felt some pressure too, about their limits and I had to see what this was.

And we explored this using inquiry, emotionally focused therapy for couples and also family system dynamics, to really get at the unseen expectations that may be running the show.

And when I asked each one of them about the level of inner honesty, within, (similar to what they expected of each other) and had observed, it shook things up. They both noticed the way they subtly closed that inquiry down, shut it off, or changed the subject.

I brought their attention to this.

They giggled.

They knew it was true.

And I asked them to get more honest in their self-assessment
…for intimacy
…for closeness
…for love

And they did it.. because they wanted to be close.

Starting with just a simple step – start to ask the real self-assessment and inquiry questions.. “how do I relate to this need or desire?” to get the ball rolling.

You do want the closeness, right?

So if you do, the next time —
…before you get ‘clear’ with your partner on exactly what’s needed from them before you go to next level closeness, …before you withhold or contract away from connection because they’re not going deep enough with you
…before you ‘play it safe’, but staying in the comfortable because they are too

Don’t.

Lean into how honest you’re really being about intimacy with yourself, and therefore intimacy with your relationship.
Be that honest with yourself.
Be truly self-assessing.

And be the intimacy you seek.

It’s literally going to change you and your relationship world.

What’s one little step you can take today to make space for more honest self-assessment about where your needs come from?

A lot of people carry dis-empowered beliefs about how they’re going to have the closeness they desire.

That, or they farm out their happiness with the idea that they’ll meet the right man or woman and THEN everything will be intimate, cozy, easy breezy.

Or if you’re in relationship, that closeness will be when your partner displays a certain quality, then you’ll be closer, or more intimate, or have more sex and love.

It’s easy to slip into.

But it also sucks your sovereign power to engage with yourself and become more intimate, connected and aware of your own inner life, that you would ascribe it to someone else, or locate your safety to go intimate outside yourself.

I’ve done this many times.

Actually, my hubby and I did it with each other.

He wouldn’t open up to me or feel close to me unless certain things were present.

And I was the same. I found myself outsourcing my needs for intimacy and projecting onto him.

Where instead I could have just done this.

Become really honest in my self-assessment about how available I would be for the deep intimacy I wanted IF he did certain things, rather than become deeply available for that intimacy with myself.

I had to get extremely real with what parts of myself I was secure being intimate with…and then be even more honest with assessing what parts were actually off-limits.

And when you’ve got two people who are not doing that…

Not exactly yummy closeness.

So when you feel the call to make the other person be more intimate in the places than you are with yourself.

When you hold back, or contract, or withhold closeness and emotional intimacy because you’re waiting for the other person to do something first…

Turn towards yourself.

Hold yourself to that.

And be extremely honest in how open for intimacy, closeness and emotional connection you actually are.

Don’t let yourself off with the easy answer. Call yourself on your own projection strategies.

For example, I felt so relieved when I finally stopped trying to have my hubby meet my needs for emotional safety in certain places, and when I took that power back and became safe inside myself in those places no matter what he did, our connection shifted and we became much closer.

It’s tempting and maybe you’ll feel more comfortable for a while doing that, maybe you’ll tell yourself you’re more safe, but how long is that honestly going to last?

This closeness need is not going to go away…

It won’t give up getting your attention.

And why should it?

It’s actually trying to get you to come home to it.

To get that honest and intimate with yourself first BEFORE you go trying to extract external things from another and BE that with yourself, with your partner, in whatever place you need to FIRST and then see what happens.

You might just change your relationship.
And well, if you both do this, then there’s no telling how deliciously and ridiculously close you can be.

This is what I’m experiencing now… this much closeness.. sweetness…intimacy..and connectedness.

It’s the sacred gift of giving YOURSELF in full so that you don’t have the problem of feeling like they’re not giving it to you, whatever THAT is you want so things can be closer and more intimate and connected.

And I’m very sure that if you do the same for you, you just might change your relationship world to have the exact kind of intimate, closeness connection you’ve been desiring. Starting with you.

Feel free to share with me here ONE step you’re going to take this week with yourself to get more honest with your availability for intimacy. For me, I’m going to spend time getting very clear on what I’m still secretly hoping he will do or say, so that I’ll feel closer to him, and then tell him about it, and go find that in myself first.

What will you do?

Let’s not pretend, we’re all going to get into conflict with our beloved.

It might not happen very often or maybe it happens more than you wish.

And so the next time it happens, in order to create the closeness, connection and intimacy that you desire, we’re going to start with yourself.

When you feel disconnected I’m pretty sure that there’s a place in your body that feels disconnected.

Do you know where it is?

Stop and ask yourself, when I feel disconnection, where is the location in my body where I feel it, another way of asking this is, when I feel disconnected how does my body tell me I feel disconnected?

Let your body answer.

Let yourself identify the location in your body, and the sensations that go along with the disconnection location in your body. Have you got that?

Like for me, “I first feel it in my body in my chest. It’s like an aching in my heart, and the first sign I’m feeling disconnection is usually that.

Good.

So now you have the sensation, and you have the awareness of it, and your attention is on it, and you are focused on it, now the work is to bring a presence right into the sensation of it.

Watch what happens.
What happens to the sensation of disconnection in your body? What are you noticing?
What shifts?

In pretty much 100 percent of circumstances when I do this with clients, things shift, difficulties dissolve, and connection with one’s own presence and intimate touching of one’s own inner parts is present. That is the key. That is what you need to do.

And then once you have this valuable information, turn to your beloved, and share it with them. Watch what happens when you share it. You are taking responsibility for your inner parts, and deciding to share it in a really good way, filled with awareness, attention, focus and presence.

Here’s a script you can use for ease.

“When we’re feeling disconnected, it’s like this for me. My LOCATION IN BODY, has the sensation of NAME OF SENSATION. I want you to know me here like this.. what it’s like for me. And I’m committed to being present with it, with you.. and noticing it shift as I and we are present with it.”

Practice.
Repeat.

So tell me, What’s one way you’re going to commit to doing this there this week and seeing what you discover? Let me know in the comments below.

I’m going to schedule myself a half an hour of uninterrupted time, no TV, no screens, no children and really tune in to where that is for me this week. And then I’m going to write about it and share it with my beloved so I can be more connected with myself, with him.

Now it’s your turn.

I’ve been saying all week, the number one complaint I hear from couples is one of disconnection. Some of the things I hear are;

I’m just not feeling connected as I want to be,

What’s the problem, is it mine or his?

What can I do to feel more connected?

Maybe I shouldn’t be in this relationship or, I should be in another one where I can get my connection needs met there…

None of these are the answers to what you are seeking. The key and challenge here is to make a practice out of restoring connection in the moment first with yourself.

Intimacy with yourself is absolutely key and I know we can all be challenged with it so I’m volunteering to show you with myself that when I struggle with connection with myself or my partner I do this;

I imagine a time or recall a time and/or ask my beloved to remind me of a time when we were truly connected, and we describe it, we describe where we were, what it looked like, what it felt like, and how it was for us.

Once you are feeling the connection, both of you, identify the sensations; do you feel tingling in your arms, where is that in your body, is it prickly, is it warm, is a cold?

And pretty soon, what happens is that we start to feel connected, we’re literally recreating the connection energy between us just by conjuring it up from previous times where it was authentic and true.

I want you to practice this and see what can happen for you.

And then once you’ve identified the sensations simply be present to them.
Breathe them in, breathe them out, and repeat.

I’d love to hear what happens for you. And I’d love to hear ONE step this week that you’re going to take so that you can make this practice happen. Remember, practice does not make perfection, as we’ve been taught, it makes for connection and we’ve been fed a mass of lie that we should know how to do sex and intimacy and connection super easy, but it’s B.S.

I can’t wait to hear what happens for you.

You say you truly desire and need the delicious intimacy and closeness that is so yummy you wish someone would package it up in a little love bottle and you could have it just like that..

I’ve got the next best thing.. not bottled.. but actually out of the bottle, no more mystery.. straightforward for you to have now..

I truly wish someone had shared with me these down to earth real things that were needed to make a relationship as healthily close as it could be.

To show me how to create closeness, intimacy and all the connection that I desired and deeply needed.

I know I’m not alone, because disconnection is the #1 complaint of couples.

And we’ve not been taught how to bridge the intimacy gaps succinctly and easily so we can reconnect and have the hot sex, love and closeness that pretty much every client who has ever walked into my office tells me that they desire.

I felt so lost at times, stuck, defeated, and deeply confused on how to create this for myself.

The journey I went on; the trauma release work, the mindset work, the emotional healing work the spiritual development work, the coaching all my inner parts into wholeness work and the interpersonal integration of all these into my partnership … it’s honestly been a deep personal study the last 15 years.

But now, as I look out with my hubby, feeling close and securely connected into my beautiful garden and feel grateful for the harvest of this year; plums, cherries, peaches, two kinds of figs, lemons, oranges, honeycrisp apples and muscat grapes..I know our partnership and the resulting garden that’s blossomed is a deep inside-out job.

And because I’m on a mission to get what I KNOW works into the hands of millions of couples, just like you, who want and crave it too, I’m going to break it down for you and share exactly what I did to create the precious and soul-satisfying connection I now experience on our Livestream.

– The #1 Thing To DO to create the closeness and intimacy you desire right now.
– The NECESSARY mindset you need to have to create the closeness and intimacy you crave, and what to do to have it.
– The 3 non-negotiables you have to do now to get started creating the love and closeness you desire straight away.

It’s going to clear, fun, and easy to follow.. and the value for you relationship is going to be immense, you don’t want to miss this.

Can’t wait to see you there, so I can get this in your hands, and you can seriously evolve into more Hot Sex, Love and Closeness straight away.

If you want to feel close to your beloved, you have to work at taking the steps that make the connection happen.

So the next time, you want to feel close and connected, and it’s been not as much of a connecting time for you, or you both, I want you to try this instead.

Just simply stop, and ask them, what is the number one thing that makes them feel close to you?

Go ahead, and deeply listen to their response.
Really take in what they’re saying.
Really listen to them, and take that right into your heart, feel it in your heart.

And then, quite simply, work towards doing it.

This doesn’t mean doing it perfectly.

This means making the intention to hold what is sacred and helps connection happen in your partnership and be devoted and dedicated to doing it.

That’s it.

It doesn’t need to be complicated, it just needs to happen and it needs to keep happening as a practice until the connection is built, and when you do this you’ll find that you will increase your ability and bandwidth to give and receive hot sex, love, and closeness.

Just in the way you want it.
Just in the way they want it.
So you can enjoy it, and create from it, and have fun from it, and heal from it.

My client last week did this, and then told her hubby, “I love it when you give me that undefended look of love.. that way that you’re just totally WITH me, no background other thoughts going on. I can really feel you. It’s the most amazing thing.”

This is what you need to do, your own version of course.

What’s one thing this week or what’s one step you’re willing to take right now to start this process? I’m going to ask my husband this question again, even though we’ve asked it before, because it’s always good to bring it up, and when you speak about these things, it creates a different field between the two of you, one that is filled with connection, goodwill, intention, and knowing each other more and more intimately.

Look forward to hearing your responses.

Sometimes clients walk in and straight away I can feel the energy that is preventing them from having the closeness and intimacy that they desire and need.

When I look deep into their eyes, I can see the possibility of what they most desire.. and then the road to healing it becomes possible.

Like Tina and Tim, who came in and a wave of palpable sadness dominated their frequency. It was undeniable.

I leaned in as Tina spoke in a quite despairing voice…soft.. as if to call me quietly and carefully to hear her. I took notes as these signals are important.

She crossed her leg.. and gently folded her arms in front of her. Despair oozed out of her pores.

And Tom held his head.. looking defeated.. ashamed.

“I feel like we don’t know who we are anymore…I wish he wasn’t so involved in work and on his phone all the time….It’s not right..”, she almost whispered.

What had made her so full of despair and resignation?

This.. this disconnection complaint is the primary one..of all couples..

But what I wanted to know was…
– when did they last have a date night that was amazing?
– how often do you each get out for time away (overnight) individually and as a couple?
– how often are you working out? how do you get good endorphins?
– how do you remind yourself of your love for each other? what symbolized your connection to each other? an object? a sweet picture of your togetherness?
– what helps you return to connection when it’s gone? and if you do, how often do you use it when you need it?
– what is the best part of your love? How can you/do you expand that?
– who do you admire that you can draw on their energy who is doing a version of closeness and intimacy that you desire?

One by one, we went through them. And the cause for their sadness and connection became very clear. There were virtually no structures in place for any of these things.

And because of that, they were vulnerable to being pulled into a negative cycle of disconnection because they didn’t have the positive resources, the inside infrastructure to create the connection they desired instead.

This was the connection foundation work we began with. We addressed all of these questions. They felt vulnerable. They owned what they needed to feel emotionally safe with each other. I would not let them go into the old, negative cycle. In fact, I insisted they team up against the negative cycle together, and make that negative cycle the enemy instead.

I loved seeing Tina smile when I gave her this resource to use to protect their connection.

All this restored HUGE connection.

They weren’t mismatched as they feared.

They just didn’t know how… and they had made the mistake of beating themselves up for it.

They were supported in making some very clear decisions about how they wanted their relationship to be.. how they wanted to handle disconnection points. how they wanted to be calibrated back to closeness and intimacy.

The power of choice and decision.
The power of making the negative cycle the enemy.
The power of rituals to remember your love and connection when you are caught in a trance of disconnection…

The ability to utilize the resources they already had and take in and use new ones, exactly where they needed them.

They decided together.. the two of them. and they wanted the same things..so that made it easier for them to grow back into connection together.. and they did. When they came they didn’t THINK they want the same things (or maybe weren’t even right for each other) but it turns out, they did.

And now it’s your turn to decide together how you want to handle disconnection snafus and challenges. And if you don’t know how to navigate that on your own, that’s what I’m an absolute expert at – reach out for support.

What’s ONE thing you will do to grow connection with each other this week? I’m going to snuggle up to my man and remind him of how much I love kissing that sweet spot on his face.. the one that makes him feel sweet connectedness and closeness and that all is well..

There were days in my healing journey to experience more closeness and intimacy in my marriage that felt so dark.

After such a profound honeymoon period, of long extended lovemaking, multiple times per day, mega love, and closeness and connectedness, how could the period after have been filled with so much challenge and disconnection?

Not many people tell you that after the romantic love period is over, there is a stage where you reconcile what you projected onto your partner, with who they actually are.

It’s also called the power struggle stage.. and it’s where most people break up.

The potent combination of ‘falling in love’ hormones.. are a powerful cocktail that are nothing like the brain has ever seen. The brain can only sustain that for 18 months. It’s even stronger than heroin. That’s why people feel so horrible sometimes, at the power struggle stage. The drugs are wearing off.. and reality is hitting.

Who the heck (or hell) are you anyway?
And who really, are you??
The things we can think or say.

In fact, there are hardly any good movies that show couples getting through this stage…so we decided to make our own.. with the happy, close, connected ending and journey that we are living now…

I’ll be honest, this road to develop connection can be filled with great fears and doubt about what to do to navigate the real path forward to true love and connection and closeness that’s real and sustainable.

And my sweet hubby and I were determined to not become a casualty of our ancestral trauma and divorce lineages. I mean the word dissolution that people click on the divorce papers.. is really when you break it down really means disconnected from a solution. Our disconnected places were a wake up call, so we got serious and focused, and you will need to as well, if you’re not giving up on the closeness and intimacy that you desire.

We knew that the connection and closeness we had was sacred, precious and worth it’s weight in gold.

But what we didn’t know was how to maintain it when there were challenges. And let’s face it, there’s going to be challenges and spots where connection will fizzle.

And then you’ll wonder… or question.. what do you do? Like us.

My hubby would ask me.. “How do we stay close.. what do we do…what do we have to prioritize…I want to be close to you but then shadows take over…”

And with two kids now part of the scene, and two businesses to manage we felt so full, overwhelmed and stuck with how to create the kind of partnership connection that makes life worth living.

We decided to go for it.. And that looked like

– Date nights, scheduled regularly..
– Taking time away for ourselves both individually and as a couple
– Workouts, to really respect our bodies.. and the good endorphins and creativity that comes from caring from them
– Reminders of our love. I love hearts of all kinds.. he reminds me of the love we have by sharing them with them. He loves me kissing him in a part of his cheek just the way he likes it.. I remember that and give him that.
– Come back to the felt sense, in your bodies of the best parts of your connection, closeness, intimacy and love. When you re-member this.. often, connection happens.
– Identifying this… what helps you return to love and closeness when it’s gone? For us, it’s a certain look, a smile.. breathing practices, sustained eye contact for at least 21 seconds.. all those help.. but you can find yours?
– What’s the best part of your love and expanding that?
– Who supports you, holds your best vision for your relationship? and champions you until you get there?
– What mentors do you have?
– Who do you admire that you can draw on their energy who is doing a version of closeness and intimacy that you desire?

We did ALL these things…

And we’re still doing them…

They are a practice, not a perfection.

And I’ll share with you…the result…

We are close and getting closer all the time..

We have intimacy that’s emotionally secure..

We resolve any blips on our screen really quickly..

And we get to enjoy the love and sweetness and then extend that into our lives, our creative projects, our work, our kids and community..

Now that is precious..

And you get to have it too.

And here’s the thing. I already know you have a million things to do..

This is NOT about quantity of time.

This is about energy, focused, quality, intentional…NOW

And that’s where a mentor comes in…who has curated the way forward for you, based on thousands of hours of experience, practice, application and relentless devotion, and who will support you in making the space for this…to bring into you the embodiment, that little acts of these, like the small kisses on the cheek.. they lead to huge shifts.. the delicious closeness and intimacy..there’s a hum of delight that runs through your whole being…it’s yummy and shivery all at the same time…

I’m looking forward to celebrating that energy on my upcoming Anniversary!

What’s ONE fun intimacy thing you can recommend we do to celebrate our anniversary?

I can usually feel whatever the unrest is with my clients and intuitively where it’s located within a few minutes of them working with me.
 
So when Tim and Bryce came to see me after being together seven years, both mega high powered careers, and two children, age eight and six, I knew where to begin, right with the complaints, the disconnection but also to regrow the love they clearly had too, that they didn’t want to lose.. and so, we got to work very quickly.
 
They were wanting more closeness, more connection.. and had been feeling their love dwindling amidst the demands of family life.
 
There was the typical subtle blame and critiques I often see in couples, along with challenges in being vulnerable and undefended.
 
And there was this undercurrent of anxiety and unrest that pervaded all the discussions. And I wasn’t sure how aware of it they were.. or how deep they had gone into it.. So I decided to ask about the kids.
 
And then the reactivity heated up.
 
“They’re just so needy. They gobble up all the energy we have. And they just never seem to want to chill and be calm.”
 
Here we were..right at the crux..overwhelmed parents..feeling anxious..not supported in being to simply chill..and then the kids have the same pattern. Your kids will reflect your patterns that you currently have, right back at you.
 
It’s more prevalent than you think.
 
We inquired into that pattern.
 
They felt the same energy in their kids, as was inside them.
 
I helped them see their kids behaviors as an expression of their own, so they could see how it was playing out, so they could heal it.
 
And worked to resource, self sooth and contain their own anxiety which stemmed from their own growing up patterns.
 
They strengthened their commitment to be healthy.
 
To handle their stuff.
 
To face their behaviors, and see the impact, and to help their family have more ease, peace and calm.
 
And like 100% of these cases before this one, the kids completely followed suit, and at the end of our three months of coaching together, they were happier, lighter.. and the kids became some of the most chill kids I’ve seen.
 
A huge turnaround for sure!
 
And Tim and Bryce, well let’s just say it’s pretty amazing to see how clearing up the anxiety freed them up for mega watt love, connection and hot sex like they hadn’t had in a loooong time.
 
They learned to tolerate the anxiety in their body by learning to bring presence right in the sensations of discomfort, and how that shifted into ease which then flowed through their body, and into their hearts and minds, affecting feelings, thoughts and how they behaved interpersonally, and then that affected the children.
 
Now seriously, isn’t it your turn..to transform the negative energies and dynamics in your family and get on with the Hot Sex, Love and Closeness you KNOW you’re meant to have…
 
while having chill and calm in your family…
 
now that brings a big sigh of relief and a smile to my face…
 
and I want you to have your own version of it..deeply!
 
because you need it and your kids need it.. much more than ever.
 
and then you can be the hero of helping them have the relationship future filled with all the Hot Sex, Love and Closeness they deserve while paving the way for them..
 
the ripple effect of the future of your happy children and your own relationship peace rests in your hands…
 
What’s one way you can work to self-soothe and bring down your anxiety this week? 

And old teacher taught me something valuable.

He said,

“Human beings are going to get into trouble with each other.

But what matters is HOW human beings get out of trouble with each other too.”

This is the value of a relationship, of the journey of tending to the disconnection places..so we can have more connection…which very often leads to hot sex, more love.. and greater intimacy..

• the things you secretly you crave
• and admit to each other in the quiet night hours that you know you need
• that is NON negotiable to do without anymore.

So when you get into trouble.. into mess, because you will…

Ask these two questions about it.

First, identify what mess it is.

Give it a name.

And then,

Ask the mess.

• What are you trying to tell us?
• What are you trying to birth through us?

Give space.

Listen.

Mind the defensive guards on top of your greater truth.

Breathe.

And receive the illumination you need.

There is always an answer inside of you.

Always.

For example, my client Kay would find herself feeling very painfully disconnected from her partner.

And the next time the intolerable pain arose they sat together…and asked the disconnection what it was REALLY trying to tell them, and what it was TRYING to get happening for them instead.

Notice the difference between happening ‘to’ them versus ‘for’ them. Empowerment versus feeling victimized is key.

Honestly, asking the questions was everything. It OPENED the channels.
And for Kay, she saw that the disconnection was asking for simple presence without reacting.

And it made her start showing up differently in every fight and completely turned the relationship around.

How many of us would benefit from this very simple shift?

Apply what you find.

Diffuse the rat’s nest of disconnection.

Get close.

Get intimate.

Get more in love.

Get more sex.

You in?

Tell me, the MOST important thing you can do right now to help birth the medicine in your mess? What attitude could you have? What shift could you make?.