Category: Love

Look, love can be complicated.

If you think about it enough.

If you allow yourself to get your head ahead of directly experiencing what’s in your heart, and slowing down enough to feel into what your love is actually saying.

It’s sad, but millions of people overlook this every day, and decisions to dissolve marriages and partnerships get based on not having this essential intimacy…

That is…the intimacy of being IN relationship.. in conversation with LOVE itself.

Like my clients James and John, who I swear blew me away with HOW they applied the undeniable love-healing gems that became unearthed when we worked together.

When I met them, they were in FULL ON busy parent, huge job mode, enormous stress mode, and triggered into disconnection left, right and center.

I could see they loved each other, but there was a layer of confusion over their eyes, sadness, and hurt.

They were teetering thin on vapors of the romantic love they’d experienced when they first got together…bickering…and out of touch with each other.

And maybe you’re like them, so super sharp and quick witted, that it’s easy to get away from the center of what brought love and amplified connection and more erotic sexual experiences.

I know from being a smart person myself, how much I needed to make things simpler in love and not overthink things, to not analyze, not be only – mind intelligent, but also emotionally intelligent, and to frankly learn to drop down, through my senses into the healing nectar of the heart.

And to have access to the very inside of what’s true, so I can get to the essence of what’s real and then grow it from there.. smart, emotional and generative.

Like I was at one point, James and John were a shred away from splitting up.

“He’s always on his phone.

He won’t prioritize us.

He’s not telling me how he feels.

He’s shutting down from me.

He’s avoiding dealing with challenges.

He’s not cuddly anymore.

He’s right…I’m not cuddly anymore.”

I almost started crying it was so painful.

Of course, that tells me how they felt.. but couldn’t access.

But I needed to help them access it or else they were going to blow apart pretty quickly.

So I helped them get grounded,
anchored into their center,
breath in their bodies,
and asked them a simple set of questions.

‘What would love say about this?
What would love do about this?
How would love act?’

This stopped them dead in their tracks.

Because they couldn’t think, literally!

Tears started to well up.
They felt the shift from mind to heart, not just as an idea. It was a physical experience.
Whereas before, they were ‘talking about’ wanting to feel cuddly, when they truly dropped into the questions, their hearts felt the missing of the cuddly, and the tears came from that. They could feel it.
And I saw their intelligent minds kick in, but this time with love and heart at the center.
Amazing what a difference that makes.

Or at least their minds were no longer in charge.

They were smart, but INSIDE their love was way smarter.

And getting inside the voice of love, the energy of love and being willing to go through the inquiry was essential.

Intimacy with love 1.
Another family needlessly split up 0.

Victory.

The intimacy with love itself became louder, wilder and undeniable.

Another disconnection turned around.
Another family stayed together in goodness, health and ever expanding closeness.
Another couples restored in love.

Now honestly, why would anyone need to suffer when these capacities are resources are available to you, like this, right now?

Tell me ONE thing you can do right now, to get inside the love questions this week? A fun thing I’m gonna do is ask myself this question right before bed each night, and first thing in the am.. and then see what comes from it.

Can’t wait to hear what you find.

The one thing I hear over and over again from my clients;

I want deeper love.

Sweeter love.

Rock your heart to peace kinda love.

Crazy good love.

Love that’s real.

Love that lasts.

And no one.. and I’m HERE to change this… but no one teaches any one of us HOW to do this.

So we arrive at adulthood, half baked with some clueless useless tricks we learned from Hollywood movies…trying to apply them to our grown up relationships, wondering what the hell to do and feeling stuck, tortured and frankly just lost.

I should know.

Not only do I hear about this in my sessions from my clients each week, but this WAS me before I did what I am now going to be sharing with you.

You see, neither my hubby or I knew how to do love extremely well, not that we didn’t love each other, but growing love…that was another skill entirely.

We couldn’t make sense of having the most profound falling in love, honeymoon stage kind of love, with the marked difference that came after that when the romantic love projections melted away, and we were faced with who the other was.

Love was tested everywhere. Not to mention sex and closeness.

We found ourselves disconnecting more, having silly little power struggles, and noticed the sex decreasing.

And in order to have the Hot Sex, Love and Closeness that we craved, we HAD to get this piece in order to create the glue and juicy connecting yumminess that we deeply needed.

That no life should be short of honestly.

So what did we do?

This. We let love be the voice and the answer to everything.

Whatever the questions, the struggle, the disconnect that would impede our way to Hot Sex, Love and Closeness… we let there be a new driver instead of our minds or egos, which are slippery and can think they are smarter.

Eventually we realized, that we had to let love act.

Whenever we struggled, we asked love what it would do.

Whenever conflict arose, we asked love what it would say.

Whenever there was disconnection, we called on love to BE there instead.

And it wasn’t always easy.

It meant giving up what we were sure we knew, about why we were having trouble, and asked love, as the medicine that we needed, HOW and WHAT it would be, say or do instead.

And we had to learn to sit and listen to the answers.

Not just once, but many times.

And not just sort of listening…

But deep, receptive listening; with our bodies, and hearts, and minds, and souls.

The kind that is filled with connection, with intimacy, and really hearing, and taking things in.

And all our inner parts, let me tell you, have something to say about these struggling places.

Pretty sure they do for you.

As they did for us.

And not overnight did things shift, I won’t BS you.

But they did shift.

And eventually LOVE became the beginning, middle and end orientation as it is now, not the struggle as it was before.

And I know that being in relationship with this inquiry, which I have studied deeply,

Even though I didn’t always hear an answer… I knew that loving the open ended questions was better than than the difficulty,

That being open to the mystery was better than knowing I was right or that he was __________________. (fill in the blank attribution)

And love, yes.. she talked.. and she replaced what I thought before, what I said, what I was sure I knew….

With her power, felt in my body, applied through my mind, and illuminating out the natural wisdom in my soul… that KNEW what was needed to make this relationship thrive, even if I couldn’t express it before.

Because I asked.. and inquired.. and rerouted my energy in service to her…

And because of that, so many blessings and openings have, (and continued to have) happen.

And I still ask.. I’m not perfect, or awakened.. but I AM on the path.. and this is the golden key to dissolving the trouble.

Whatever it is.

Let her show you the way today.

Let her all the way in.

Let her open you.

Let her speak to you.

Let the true healing of your heart, and hot sex, love and closeness magic begin.

This is the unspoken key.

It’s okay to be simply practical about this. By breathing a few breaths while being present to your heart. Breathing in to your heart. Breathing out from your heart. Getting into the energy of your heart. Sensing the tissues there. Feeling your awareness and presence there. And from there, ask the questions.

So beloveds, and those wanting one, what’s ONE way today you’re going to let love speak to you?

Love to hear.

I heard you’re wanting more soul satisfying love this week, (or month or year).

I keep hearing this.. you want it, but don’t know what else to do.

And you’re hungry, tired and ready for it.

Life is too short for love NOT to be soul satisfying, right?

To sit, somehow waiting for that love to just float in magically if you wait long enough.

To hope that if you grin and bear it, all shall be revealed.

But it’s not working.

And time (and life) is going by.

So if you really want to up the ante.

And get it happening.

I dare you to do to this.

Go after all the hurts!!

Be Relentless.

Clean them up.

Be open hearted about it.

Be generous to them.

Don’t wait.

Both of you.

Keep going.

Until there are no more words to be said.

Til you reach the quiet point.

And you soften.
And heal.
And exhale.

And you connect
And know, this other person CAN and WILL get you in the depth of whatever is there.

They want to.
And you do too.

Do it.
Do it now.
Name the hurt places.
Name what it looks like, feels like and sounds like.
Find out what they need. Ask them.
Share them with your partner in a good way (no blame or criticism).

Before it’s too late.
Before you waste another precious second in silent pain when you could be having a luscious and laughing in love-making time instead.

It’s a gift we get to love.
Be wise about it.
Be grateful.

Do the healing hurt work.

Move on into love.. soul satisfying love
Holy OMG sacred kinda love..
Whatever kinda love floats your love wheels..

And decide. Who is going to decide that THIS is the time to get that for yourself, and make it happen? When my couples do this, MASSIVE PROGRESS HAPPENS. It’s not for the faint of heart, so not a lot of people do it.. but I dare you today to give it a shot.

Every time I go after hurts, and don’t stop, I feel a million pounds lighter, like I did yesterday. It’s like I did a hurt cleanse..

Do yours too.

I know when I see my couples I am going to be hearing about;
complaints.
criticisms,
and blame (both gross and subtle towards each person)

And the number one thing underneath all these things almost ten times outta ten?

Hurt or pain of some kind.

And what I want you to do is THIS.. because you’re NOT going to be having Hot Sex, luscious love or closeness that you desire if you’re feeling hurt..

It just doesn’t work that way, no matter how much we want to shove it down, get rid of it or pretend it doesn’t exist.

But what we can do, is learn how to listen to each other, and hear the full expression of another’s hurts, without it being heady or complicated, so we can feel heard, listened to and STOP the cycle of blame and complaint.

So here’s what I want you to practice.

This works really well, not matter how far you along you are in your relationship, no matter how deep the hurt is, but you’ve GOT to stick to the structure.

Here we go.

Decide who gets to share hurts first.. and who gets to listen and receive.

The first person says quite simply…

“I felt hurt when you….”

Person two simply says, “thank you. Tell me more.”

And does this until there is no more that person one wants to tell them.

And then you switch.

There are no “yeah, but….” or.. “but she said…”

Simply, you are beginning to create a safe space to be heard, to be received, and known in the places that you have pain or hurt.

Which leads to softening
And connection
And support
And intimacy
And hot sex
And makes everything in life so much better
And the best part is.. it’s so simple.

How many of us ever truly get that space from anyone in our life.. let alone our partner, where we are being simply listened to, heard, received, and asked for all of our hurts to be shared, until we have no more…

Let that sink in for a moment.. That is life changing.. and it has been for me in all the places I’ve needed it and I had some pretty big hurts in my life.. and they needed this many times.. and we gave it.. and we still do if we need to. It helps every time.

It’s like love-healing medicine for our souls.

And it’s available to you as well.

And it’s a HUGE gift you can give each other, anytime, any day.. at any point where you feel there have been hold backs, things left unsaid or a clearing is needed.

It creates the transmission of empathy, reception, understanding and healing.

So when you decide you want to be in connection
And you’re ready to heal…
You’ve got to do the practices…

And when you do them, you grow, you heal and you get exactly what you need in love, connection and intimacy. I know because I’ve watched my clients succeed in having this by deeply practicing this.. and they clear out their pain bodies.

It’s like watching a cool river run through a dry barren desert and finally produce some verdant little green sproutlings that grow up to be magnificent tree pillars of love and support, kind of like rock solid love affair that lasts and last.. the kind I’m delighting in.

So now it’s your turn to practice.. and decide the ONE thing you’re gonna do this week to make time for this. I did this with my hubby this am.. and I’m feeling softer.. lighter and more released and available for connection.. and I can’t wait to hear what you’re gonna do.

I think we need to get really honest, all of us, that hiccups are going to happen in relationship.

Misunderstandings
Slights
Injuries
Disappointments
Hardships
Conflicts

It’s GOING to happen, because let’s face it. We’re humans.

But you don’t have to stay stuck in it.

And the HOW you get out of it.. and WHAT you do is exactly we focused on yesterday in our livestream.

I’ve got you covered.

This week’s Live Stream has your back where I shared exactly WHAT to do to bring more love-healing medicines for these challenged into your relationship like:
– increasing your ability to provide understanding to yourself and your partner
– cultivating the ONE thing that helps deflate and diffuse difficult interactions
– and growing THIS is what you need to release all fall out from conflict.

Imagine how that would feel… having the best resources at your fingertips, so that you can easily repair, forgive, and bring greater compassion and understanding to the gnarliest of injuries that can come up in the couples journey. Sense how that would feel in your body, your heart.. and in your relationship where it would matter the most.

It’s not a matter of IF you’ll need them, it’s a matter of when, and trust me, when I had these available to myself and my own marriage, so much goodness came forward from it, injuries healed, repairing happened, and from that so much MORE love grew.

I think you should get some of this healing medicine too.

It’s going to be just what the doctor ordered for right now.

Check it out.

We live in a culture of distraction and addiction, blame and criticism.

And when we look at the world stage, it reflects this everywhere.. and it ripples down into the fabric of our every day lives and relationships, right in our hearts, our families, and the bedroom.

But you, you don’t have to let these love-destroying forces keep you from being awesome at cultivating love in your relationship, so you can have the profoundly fulfilling hot sex, love and closeness that you desire.

What I do each day, that helps with this.. is to…

Keep My Heart Soft…

Feel into your heart for the moment.

And feel the sensations there.

What are they?

Hard? Contracted?
Closed Off?
Achey?
Heavy?
Numb?

A lot of my clients say these things when we first start this practice.

But instead… I want you to do the opposite of the sensations.

Bring all your wonderful focus and attention, that you can apply to so many things, as you choose.. and bring it right HERE.. to your heart. Decide.

And then..

Breathe in.. soften.

Breathe out.. soften.

Try it..

Repeat it.

Rinse it.

And only talk to your beloved about sticky things AFTER doing this for a while, at least five minutes.

I GUARANTEE you it will make a phenomenal difference.

And it won’t cost you anything.. except letting go of any hardness or contracting feelings.. and I KNOW your conversations will be different, and that will help grow all good things and bring all love, closeness, connection, intimacy and sex.

This works really well because we want to build the structures that support you having love from the bottom up. So softening the body, softens the heart, and softens the mind.. and from there, interactions are sure to get SO much better.

If you’re a YES to more softening, let me know with a heart in the comments. I’m doing it right now.. and I already feel more space opening up.. and I’m imagining the conversations that will come from this today and I’m happy to share it feels lighter and that more wonderful opportunities are available.

Now it’s your turn to enjoy it too.

If you are in partnership, I guarantee you that love is going to come knocking on your door, and you’re not going to be able to turn it away.

At first you might reject it, because it won’t look pretty.

Like it looked for my clients Mark and Mary, who had experienced so much hurt and betrayal between them, so many injuries..and slights that just didn’t get processed very well or fully. And they certainly weren’t having the Hot Sex, Love and Closeness they craved.

They loved each other SO much, but like most couples, didn’t have the skills to do whole-hearted compassion, repair, forgiveness and understanding; the necessary love growing elixirs that aren’t deniable or negotiable for that matter.

I watched the flare ups happen, maybe like they happen for you.

One little word.

One cold glance.

One physical gesture of moving in a disconnected way.

It’s the littlest things, you know…

The pain was there.. and it was calling them (and me) to be fully on board to restoring full love which I KNOW is possible, not only for them, but you as well.

We began with the unhealed hurts.. and I sat them in front of me.. and got them to relax by simply beginning to breathe right into their hearts.. which slowed everything down..instead of being in their heads, they were now in their hearts, fully embodied so healing could have a chance to begin…

And they each took turns, without blame or accusation, sharing places that still felt hurt, or unseen in old injuries or pains, no matter how small. And because I’m trained in Forgiveness work, that creates secure emotional attachment, and because most forgiveness work fails to fully heal, because of language…I gave them the exact language to use, so they wouldn’t blame each other, or say things like, “I’m sorry you felt that way…,” which causes more pain.

I also practice something I’ve created called Heart-Listening, where instead of listening through your mind.. and scripting in advance what you’re going to say to the next person…so that you don’t even listen to them, they were instead listening to the other person by focusing on their actual physical heart.. the sensations in there, the feeling in there.. and I’m telling you, this is some truly powerful work.. because the heart is where it’s at in relationship.

This combined with utilizing masterfully applied Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (which restores connection by helping couples feel more secure, and Imago Relationship work, which helps heal the family of origin imprints in our minds that make us see our partners through our historical lenses (not as they are), and also using Sensorimotor Work to release trauma imprints in the body.. this is what this couple needed, administered at the right time, based on how things unfolded.. but to be clear, if you were my client you would be attuned to, and I’d curate the exact love healing interventions you’d need, in the order you’d need them.

This is no one size fits all, and only a well trained expert with serious training in multiple dimensions is going to be able to get you, because you or your issues certainly aren’t one dimensional either.

And in my time with them.. there were several key conversations that went through sharing all the hurts, the injuries, the misunderstandings, the betrayals, the places that needed compassion.. and we kept applying these antidotes.

And I watched the smile grow more easily with them.

And the hard places softened.

And the injuries healed.

And their hearts opened up again.

And they grew closer.

And more in love.

And had more hot sex.

And were closer.

And they were happy.

Because they were honest about their shortcomings, and they did the deep work shared above to repair it.

And even though they may have had doubts along the way, that it would even work, or that they could get through it all, they persisted.

Because they knew they had to…

Because there is no other choice..

Just like there’s no other choice really for you either..

So if there was one thing, just this week, that you could do, to soften your heart, so you could be more understanding, more compassionate and forgiving, what would it be? I want you to find out what it is.. share it in the comments.. and then go DO it.. I KNOW, without a doubt you’ll feel better, lighter..more ease. I’m going to practice feeling soft.. all over my body.. to make my communications more compassionate.. I’m excited to see where it goes.. because well, it always lead to good things opening up for me.

When you’re a human in a real partnership, you’re susceptible to all the human-y things that can happen.

Let’s not pretend.

Injuries happen
Hurts happen
Wounds get activated
Betrayals can happen
Loveless places get opened
Hard spots get touched

And it’s not like society does a good job at teaching us how to get through these things.

And for couples, this a place where they desperately need support, if they are going to succeed in cultivating the exquisite hot sex, love and closeness they desire.

At least they didn’t teach me, nor did I get the support, and I’m guessing you haven’t received much of the right modeling either. I know my story might be yours as well.

You see, I arrived at adult relationship, and marriage with very little clue on how to grow love, how to be the embodiment of mature understanding, how to embody compassion well, and how to do repair of injuries, harms, or slights.. and be co-partner in creating and embodying or facilitating true forgiveness.

And these things.. they’re not optional. not if we want hot sex, love and closeness, because they make us feel safe with our partner, held, healed, and connected in present day time without murky shadows from the past lingering in our space.

I brought plenty of my own injuries to my marriage.. and I was working on them all the time. I wanted to be a good, conscious partner. And yet, despite my best attempts…

I fell short on compassion.

I struggled with making repair that really worked.

I was stretched to mature into new ways of understanding.

I had to grow into greater compassion and forgiveness.

And I needed mentorship and support to do these things, because I was stuck…thought I knew the way through them, but really didn’t know exactly HOW to apply it.

I struggled. I felt hurt.. and I also could be hurtful too, like any one of us.

It’s not easy to share that with you, but it’s human, and real and what so many of my couples go through.

We can feel ashamed in our limitations.

And wonder how to grow these love-healing qualities.

The love-less soup that can create. And then you wonder how the heck to have hot sex, love and closeness.

But we made a decision, we dove in to learn and get through it all.

I grew my compassion by practicing Tonglen, an ancient Buddhist meditation that helps you literally, breath by breath reprocess pain, fear, and suffering, while also growing compassion.

My hubby did it too. And he learned to be the embodiment of repair and forgiveness by asking me about all my hurts, one by one, and bringing deep care, support and creativity right there, after places where I’d feel hurt by him. I had to learn to open my heart of compassion, and allow healing and understanding.

And because we had such a big love together, all the loveless parts of us (fear, insecurity, worry, hurt), came up for healing between us… to come home, right into love’s embrace, which then, only intensified the hot sex, love and closeness and helped bring all that goodness and yumminess, right into our family as well. Definitely a juicy mix you don’t want to be without.

You need all these forms of love too.. in every place they are not there…in every
– hurt
– injury
– wound
– misunderstanding
– slight
– disconnection
– lack of understanding
– cold or contracted place
– or anywhere else that needs it

I know what it’s like.. to pull yourself out of these places, to bring in understanding, true repair, forgiveness, and love.

To risk the courage to be vulnerable and get real and take accountability for your shortcomings, and to rise up in triumph and love as you do it.

I can assure you, it’s worth all the effort, even if you’re uncertain, hurt or insecure about it right now.

Just imagine all those challenging places in you, receiving all these love-medicines right now.. in your body, your heart, your mind, and between you in relationship.

Sense that softness of support, of understanding, of compassion, and forgiveness right there.. right where you’re hurting right now.

Let it in.

And let the love begin to heal you.

This is a foundational pillar of what creates the hot sex, love and closeness you desire and need.

It’s your time to have it, all the way!

So if there was one little thing you can do right now, to move in the direction of expressing understanding or compassion to your partner, for something that you KNOW they need.. what would it be?

For me, right now, I’m going to go into the other room where my hubby is, and drop a big love bomb of understanding and compassion at all the risks he’s taking right now to grow in certain areas in his life. He needs this.. and I can be a great partner to giving to him. What will you do?