Category: Parenting

If you’re being really honest with yourself I know you’re going to make some observations about the transmission of love, connectedness, intimacy, sexuality and conflict resolution that you are passing on to your children.

If you check out the nudge and the practice for this week at https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10157824667265555 and https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10157830725135555, you’ll see the pre-steps that will help make this dare more successful for you.

And how honest you are, is the extent to which there will be an increase in growth in your capacity to experience hot sex, love and closeness relationship, even if you have kids and think you’ll be able to only have sex when they leave home.

So the dare is, from what you see, where is there room to be a better transmission of Hot Sex, Love and Closeness for your children or your marriage?

Where is there room for you to be more loving?
Where is the room for you to be more sexually connected?
Where is there room for you to be more intimate when you desire?
Where is there room for more conflict resolution skills?

I truly believe that when we are the most humble with ourselves even if it is extremely unpopular with our ego, even if it brings up a lot of shit, we are more successful ultimately because of getting to the ground of what is true

And when we get to the ground of what is most true, then we can plant the seeds for what we truly desire

So even if you see something here that’s hard, that triggers you or causes you to feel a reaction, that’s good, it’s telling you there’s something juicy to look at.

And the question is, will you look at it?

Will you take what is given to you and turn it into something good?

Because if you don’t, it’ll end up repeating itself and there will be more struggle or challenge or disconnection. The choice is up to you and I dare you to inquire more and be more honest than you’ve ever been because those are the people that are going to see the big results and the creativity open up to create the desires so that you get to have the Hot Sex, Love and Closeness relationship you’ve been wanting to have so much.

Can’t wait to hear what you come up with.

Last winter my son Emanuel, (who is now 11), told me.

“Mom, I want the dating pool at school to be larger.

I want a relationship like you and Daddy have.”

This really touched me for a number of reasons.

And what I appreciate it did here, was it had me look at how I’m demonstrating the energy of hot sex, love and closeness.

Really made me look.

Our kids take in everything about how we do sex, love and closeness.

They feel it without us explaining anything!

So what are you transmitting?

How many times a day are your kids seeing you kiss, hug and smooch?

And how are they observing you dealing with any signs of stress or trouble?

And the afterglow of hot sex and lovemaking… How often are they experiencing that?

It’s honestly shocking for most of the people to actually do this because it shows you what’s actually getting transmitted to your children about how to do hot sex, love and closeness.

I actually recommend writing it down for a week. And seeing what you discover.

And then the practice is to truly look at what it brings up for you depending on what you see.

What is your relationship to what you were seeing? (i.e. Do you feel happy about it, frustrated, have a desire to shift it?)
How do you both feel about it?
How is that impacting your kids?

If you’re not willing to be curious and in the question for the discovery process, what does that also show your children? And how does that play out in your family?

Remember that all of your transmissions around hot sex, love, closeness, conflict resolution and intimacy completely become the basis of the transmission that your children will receive.

It’s going somewhere, so if you want a hot sex, love and closeness relationship, you’ve got to be willing to look at where it’s actually going? And what you’re actually seeing.

So is there ONE thing you’re seeing as you’re reading this, that has your curiosity? Let me know in the comments.

One thing I’ve noticed is that in the afterglow of lovemaking, our kids are always more peaceful (because WE are peaceful) and it’s tightening my awareness to how important it is for that transmission to be available for them. If it becomes their norm, then that’s what they’ll expect and experience.

This week’s live stream in our Facebook Group HERE (https://www.facebook.com/groups/278275709185342/) was SO much fun.

I love it when there’s a mix of mom’s and dad’s on my livestream.. and hearing how well this landed for people.

And if you’re wondering what five minutes of time to take today, to get your loving, sexing and closeness back on track..then I’ve got just the thing for you.

You see, when I hear my couples and those in relationship struggling with how to manage and decode the patterns that kids playout, that come from unseen things us parents are doing, I’m excited for them, because then they get to experience my support and 30,000 hours of experience and over 30 years of training right at their fingertips.

I know that being a parent with a child or two or three can feel incredibly stressful at times.

Not to mention the stress of running a business, working in a start up or big company with a big role can be full on.

You come home, and there’s a million things to do.

Your kids want you, your partner needs something from you..oh.. and you have personal needs as well – like maybe to work out, handle some bills…you’re stressed…and then the kids seem stressed and unhappy as well.

Just not content.

It’s grinding.

Frustrating…

And it definitely chips away to creativity and connection with your spouse.

Cutting into the opportunity that could come from closeness and love lead to hot, delicious sex but instead leads to crumpling into a pile of exhaustion after the kids go to sleep with a cool, disconnected discontent.

Are you ready for a fresh redo of all this kerfuffle?

If so, join me tomorrow for our livestream on exactly this, where I’ll show you what to do to;

– To start having more hot sex, love and closeness, even if the kids are pushing your last good nerve.
– Decode the gnarly things that your kids do that drive you nuts, and turn them into connection gold that benefits everyone, and gets you back to loving, sexing and closeness in the ways you desire and that you need.
– Get a hold of the THREE little known things that parents can do to help them get freed up from this struggle and get on to having Hot Sex, Love and Closeness.

This is going to be fresh, fun and to the point. And it’s going to give you EXACTLY what you need to get going having Hot Sex, Love and Closeness even if you’re kids are driving you nuts, you’ve tried everything and you’re losing your center today.

So if it’s been a grind lately..if you’re not having the amazing goodness and peace-giving medicine that a true hot sex, love and closeness relationship can gift you then you’re going to want to come.

I mean, you could miss it, but then it would cost you in so many more ways than just dropping in and spending the few minutes to receive what I’m going to be sharing with you.

Super excited for this.

Last week my clients Jim and Nancy came in so overwhelmed and frustrated.

Jim was feeling overwhelmed with work. The startup owners were disorganized and chaotic.

Nancy ran her own online business, managed a team of three, and was pregnant with their second child.

Their first child was three, and had been in the ‘terrible two’s’ long past the second year it was apparently ascribed to. I normalized it for them, and said it should frankly be called the ‘tantrum threes,’ and they laughed and it broke the ice.

Parents are so vulnerable, to all the stresses in many of the same way non-parent couples are..and with the additional overwhelm of how to be conscious parents, cultivating hot sex, love and closeness while in the midst of work, parenting and dealing with kids who can drive you nuts, push every last trigger button, and get on every remaining good nerve…

This was what Jim and Nancy had been dealing with for a year. Their little one who was three, would do the opposite of everything they asked him to do. And when natural consequences were presented impulse control was out the door with their little one.. which would then do the same with both of them.

Everyone was losing their shit.

And it was making them feel ashamed which I normalized pretty quickly and it was a pleasant surprise that parents do indeed, lose their shit from time to time with their kids. It’s more common than most of social media would have you believe.

And I could see that they needed transformation support.. otherwise they were going to continue being disconnected, and sexual and loving connection was going to suffer even more. Not an option either wanted to engage.

From my deep study of shamanism and developmental psychology, I understand about emotional organizing systems, sacred mirrors, and karma. From my studies of Diamond Heart, I know the value of deep inquiry into the nature of what is appearing to provide deep illumination to exactly how to give you the support you’ll need to reduce the suffering and heal the disconnection..

Kids play out our unresolved stuff.

They don’t mean to.

There’s not much consciousness to it.

They just DO it..because they are impressionable little beings who absorb frequency, vibration and imprints…and then, because they don’t have adult language to think or speak about it.. they play it out.. act it out…and then disaster hits.

“What awareness is trying to get born…through what the kids are showing you in their annoying or stressing patterns?”, I asked.

This was key! And it stopped them dead in their tracks.

We looked at the acting out of their kids simply.

“What was it trying to say, from the inside?” I asked…

We sat in the open space about it together.

And they removed the blame and shame. Because they became curious.

About their own impulse control places.

And when being more supportive to their inner impulses of impatience, and they focused on it, then they could then respond creatively with the kids.

They could give their own impulses exactly the containment and resources of love, patience, understanding and support that they needed. Something they had not known what to do before.

And then guess what happened?

At the end of our time working together, the pattern was gone, just like that.

The impulses were met with presence.
The overwhelm was met with compassion.
The anxiety was met with inquiry and curiosity.
And the struggle was not held in those qualities were served as containers.

And, the kids weren’t driving them crazy because they could feel the calm too.

Now that’s exciting.

Love to hear the ONE thing that you’re kid’s doing this week that’s driving you nuts or stressing you out, and how you might be able to think about it differently.

As a parent, I’m always watching if and what my kids reflect back to my hubby and I. For example, what patterns repeat over and over, or what distress patterns might they be in…always asking, what are they trying to share, get me to feel, looking to me to guide them through (no matter what the appearance is).

I didn’t use to pay attention to this.. but I do now because it’s a huge gift that can help make not only our couples connection more loving, more close and the sexual sparks more potent..but also increase love and connection in the family/parenting world too.

And even if you’re wondering if this curiosity can help you, or you’re fed up, or have lost hope, not to mention beyond overwhelmed with the kids, trust me.. I’ve got you, from the very inside of having gone through it myself.

You see, earlier on in my marriage when my kids were toddlers, I was really tested. Like all parents.

I’d ask my then three year old to put on his shoes. And it was literally like I might have been asking him to chop his finger off. Forget asking my daughter to brush her hair. I felt shame at what the neighbors thought must have been going on in our house.

My husband and I looked at each other with a glance ‘WTF fresh chaos is this?’ And we were frantic and panicked at to what this meant or even how to handle it. The episodes were increasing.

We lost our shit. With each other. With the kids.

We certainly were NOT having the Hot Sex, Love and Closeness that we desired, and as new parents, frankly.. we needed THAT medicine even more!

We were so caught up in the effect the kids were having us, that we forgot to zoom out and become more curious.

And to think about what was happening, instead of just react.

We had to learn to create new emotional containers to hold us through the activation that would happen with the kids and that’s bound to happen.

This is what they were showing us. Through the shoe example and the godforsaken hair brushing example above.

Contain them.. so they can learn how to contain themselves.

And to contain us first.

So we made new agreements about how to handle activation, stress, overwhelm and getting triggered.

We built those.

We exhaled and laughed when we saw that they copied us.

The started to contain themselves.

Because we were the transmission.

Because we did our containing our own overwhelm work too. We got stronger. We built containers. We kept agreements. We practiced.

And they followed suit.

And because we were FAR more contained, held and cohesive.. that gave a transmission in our very frequency to our children. Instead of emitting stress, we radiated being emotionally regulated. It went right in. Ease was felt all around. Feelings of struggle melted and we became closer than ever. The power of one plus one, creatively.. so much more then ten!

Which freed up tons of stress to get into other juicy, hot loving things….the connected close, loving, soulful and intimate connection that you desire and have been craving and needed for a long time.

That getting freed up by healing this difficult thing the kid showed us.. that was ecstatic..on all levels..

That healing created such a deep exhale for us, such a release, such a letting go…such a freeing up of conflict energy, more room to look at each other and relax, and connect..and easily communicate..and be understood..and cherished..that led to other things…..:-)

Tell me.. what’s your preference for the ecstatic? Ecstatic sex, love or closeness? Or maybe you’re sensing that really, your preference is all three! 😉 And what’s ONE step are you going to actually take action on so that you can get closer to it?

Or, what’s one thing your kids reflect to you that you’ve learned from?

I’m ecstatic just writing this..I get to again and again lay claim to my desires by owning them. Fully

What are you going to do to make sure the kids don’t take away your relationship happiness but add to it?

We had a difficult family (us and our kids) conversation a few years ago, and because we are a fiery bunch, there was some interrupting and colorful exchanges.

I never want to pretend to you that I am perfect, because I’m a human just like you who makes mistakes and can be vulnerable and can feel lost at moments.

The difference is I now have the resources and tools to bring me back and I want to share those with you so you have them as well.

In this example, we decided to create a family ritual that would honor the need to listen to each other so we didn’t continue to have the not being heard trouble again, and so this is what we did, which I invite you to try as well.

Each person gives the other their complete attention while they are talking, listening from their heart, listening with their eyes, listening with their body, and not premeditating what you’re going to say which then results in the other person not feeling truly listened to.

When you do this, the person being listened to feels so received, and so held, and so deeply supported that there is a deep exhale and a sense of relaxation that happens.

We went around the circle which I advise you to do as well, and each person got their turn to be in the center, fully received, fully heard, fully listen to, fully taken in for what was important to them.

Gosh.. that feels SOOO good.

Sometimes we had to sit on our hands because like I said you know, fiery bunch, but it was so worth it because that resulted in each person in the center feeling like they received repair, were no longer overwhelmed, that they were being emotionally attended to, and then sacred family rituals were born through this experience.

There were moments where it wasn’t easy, for anyone, the depth of difficult feelings required much presence and attention and love and support, but what matters, is that we did it, and then the love increased, and the emotional intimacy grew, and the connection flourished, not only in our family unit but in my marriage as well.

I truly wish this for you and I know you can have it by following these simple steps, it is risky which is why this is a dare but it’s worth it so deeply to have the hot close connected relationship that I have now.

So now it’s truly your turn.

Tell me one thing you intend to do this week to create more connection in yourself and in your family. I’m realizing I’d like to create new ritual to find out what kind of support people are needing in their lives.. and then find creative ways to do it.

If you’re feeling shy about commenting publicly because it is vulnerable and this is your relationship we’re talking about I want to protect your anonymity by inviting you to message me in the comments and inviting you to message me privately.

I welcome hearing from you and I can’t wait to see your relationship shifting.

One of the things I love about being a parent, is that my children let me know very directly what they need, how they need it, and exactly when they need it by.

Sometimes I can do really well with responding to it, and sometimes I fail.

And when I fail I like to repair, ASAP.

And one of the best ways that I know how to repair is to create a sacred family ritual of that particular subject.

For example, my daughter told me about language that I was using that she didn’t like.

She had a point, and I really heard her and repaired whatever harm my language had created for her.

She then started to tell me about the associated times that my language had been harmful and I decided to keep asking her until there was nothing left.

So this is what I recommend that you try.

If there is harm, or hurt simply sit with the person and keep asking them to tell you about it until there is nothing left.

Do not judge them, do not interrupt them, do not tell them why you did it, do not explain yourself or justify your behavior.

Simply listen to what they’re saying.

Simply listen.

And be available for support and then watch what happens, watch the level of connection increase, watch your own ability to handle overwhelm improve, and watch your children feel more secure

Tell me one thing you’re going to do this week to fix a situation that didn’t go so well.

Remember, it’s your turn to feel released from overwhelm, and if you follow these things I guarantee you they’re going to deliver you to the other side, you simply have to practice them to start.

And look, if this feels too overwhelming to do on your own, that’s when you get professional support and this is exactly what I help couples with every day!

We have been covering the subject of how in your family life to deal with repair, attunement, emotional overwhelm and creating specialness rituals in your family unit.

And it’s not easy because I know you’re busy so I’m going to get straight to the point.

The word ‘re’, literally means to do again and the words repair, and regulation, and revisit are all about redoing the things that have been difficult or overwhelming or challenging.

Let’s face it, those things are going to happen because we’re so deeply human.

But instead of resisting them, the little nudge I want to give you today is to simply remind yourself that you need to just simply make it ok to begin again.

Begin again.

Try saying it to yourself right now in the face of things that are challenging.

Begin again.

When things feel overwhelming or you didn’t do the repair correctly. or when you hurt someone or someone hurt you, we all know it was unintentional and we’re human so we need to forgive ourselves, you need to forgive yourself and let it be simply ok to plainly…

Begin again.

Next time you’re in a conflict, next time there’s a difficulty, next time there’s a challenge, next time you feel hurt or that things didn’t go well in the conversation, simply come back to, begin again.

Begin again.

Begin again.

What’s one situation this week that you can acknowledge to yourself, that it would that would be great to begin again, Or to have a fresh start?

I’m going to redo something I said to my husband yesterday that didn’t quite come out the way that I wanted, so I’m leading the way.

Join me?

That was really fun on our live stream yesterday.

I love it when people give themselves the gift of being able to take five minutes and get the things that are going to catapult them into love, sex, and closeness, even while being parents.

Why?

Because so often, what I hear from my clients and what I’ve experienced as a partner and as a parent is this overwhelming sense that somehow we’re just supposed to know how to do repair and to deal with things that are overwhelming.

We can feel so stuck, and hopeless and you can wonder how the heck you’re ever going to have hot sex, love and closeness relationship that works with your family and that’s a good role model for your children.

These were things I often wondered about and had to honestly deeply practice becoming better at if I wanted to be a parent who had their children feel secure.

I had to really dig deep in my own soul and really open up to massive support, practices and inner healing in order to now be at the place that I am today which includes much ease with repair and dealing with overwhelm that parents can experience and often do, and also how to deeply attune to yourself so that you can also be very connected to your children.

I also had to learn how to create sacred rituals with my family that resulted in us all feeling much closer and more connected and continuously gave support for healing which was needed when we made mistakes because we are human after all.

So if you’re reading this and wondering how the heck you’re going to do the job of parenting with these things intact, I’ve got just the thing for you.

Check it out.

Where we are going to dive into:
– What you need to do to have more healing and harmony in your family so that there’s greater ease of connection and closeness.
– The number one thing you must do when there’s overwhelming so you can feel safe and relaxed again.
– My go-to family ritual that helps create closeness and healing and intimacy for everyone involved and that emotional intimacy.
– When you learn how to do THIS, your connection with each other, with your kids AND your partner, will become more loving and more easeful.

I KNOW in my bones it works because I’ve practiced it literally for the last 30 years and in every relationship, I have been in.

I have walked countless couples and individuals through these very challenges so that they can be close with each other, and have a secure family unit which only does wondrous good things to create hot sex, love, and closeness in your marriage.

Not only that it will help provide the perfect role model for your children as well to take permanently with them in their journey throughout life.

Who would want to resist that?

Feel free to message me if you’ve got any questions.

There’s such a palpable sweetness that happens when you’re sitting in the room with clients or working with them and the issue of repair, attunement and regulation comes up.

You know, the number one job of parents is to help their children feel emotionally regulated which is very difficult when we haven’t learned to do it for ourselves.

Which is another way of saying emotionally not overwhelmed nor underwhelmed.

And sadly, we’re still learning how to do this so it’s very often that grown adults who mean well, smart and intelligent grow up and not knowing how to do these things really well in their own partnerships.

This results in such a deep complaint of disconnection, hurt, resentment and bitterness, and one of the constant things I hear with my couples who are parents, which are many, is that they are overwhelmed and no time for special anything.

Many of you who own businesses, startups, online practices can feel deeply overwhelmed and wonder where there’s time for anything personal or how you’re going to figure out this work life family balance.

This was the complaint of my clients Sara and Sal who came into the session space together but it was like they were two distant people who barely knew each other.

Sara looked hard, long lines of what looked like anguish to me on her face, a tight jaw, and pursed lips were her consistent presentation.

Sal seemed a bit numb, and his eyes looked cloudy and when I tuned into the frequency in the room it felt hard and bitter and so this told me that there was probably repairs that needed to have happen, not to mention valuable resources that needed to be brought in so they could learn how to manage overwhelming experiences and create special time for them and their family.

Sara started, “Sal, when I’m feeling overwhelmed you just seem to avoid me. There’s no healing that happens after we seem to talk about things and I feel unseen and that we’ve lost the sense of specialness between the two of us.”

Sal’s stiffened. “Sara, I don’t know what else to do, no matter how much I try to support you in things feeling connected and healed between us, I feel like I fail you, and I’m not motivated to create special times between us because you’re unhappy and I don’t want to disappoint you again.”

So often, I hear this complaint in a few different versions.

And I knew that the work we needed to do was to help them learn how to:

– Repair, so that whatever lurking hurts, sadnesses, disappointments, and left over injuries and wounds could actually get the proper attention they needed. I helped them do this by bringing in deep forgiveness that helps people word actually how to ask for forgiveness, and how to offer it in a way that is not blaming or critical or diminishes the person for needing the forgiveness to begin with.
– Regulate difficult states of overwhelm. This meant having resources in their tool box to help hold literally difficult or overwhelming states. For example, this meant being able to have understanding, and presence in their bodies that could serve the function of being containers to actually hold the difficult overwhelming experiences. From my understanding of deep developmental work, I also know that reparenting our inner mother and father who may not have contributed to our own ability to manage overwhelming experiences, is deeply critical and I watched how Sarah and Sal let this work in and actually began to find a lot of relief because they now have some creative tools on how to address their wounds and how to address it with each other.
– Not only that but they also learned attunement, the ability to really tune into where the other person is and learn to put language to it. This requires learning the language of feelings, and also the language of sensations. From my deep study of trauma work and sensorimotor psychotherapy, we delved into the world of being present to sensation, and how to work with that in a way that helps the body learn to become resourced.
– Ritual, we dived deep into how to create sacred special practices to honor what was really important to them and or their family, and we created massive family ritual experiences that were honoring, and respectful to each person in the family. With all these new tools in their toolbox, Sarah and Sal healed a huge piece of disconnection in their relationship. They repaired, they handled their overwhelm, they learned how to deeply attuned to themselves and each other, and how to create sacred special rituals of meaning for them and their family members.

I know that these two aren’t the only ones who deal with some version of this, and if you’re reading this I want you to know I really truly get you, and I know how much you struggle with not having these things, I know that hurts, the overwhelm, the lack of anything special feeling going on, and the feeling of not being seen.

They’re really painful and you don’t have to live that way, not anymore.

Which is what ended up happening with my clients. Three months later they decided to renew their decision to continue working with me, because their family life had shifted, they were feeling so much more connected, and repairs and overwhelm were flowing the way they needed to.

I want this for you!

So what I’m wondering is, what is ONE thing you can do to commit to bringing in repair in your relationship in any way that’s needed?

Feel free to send me a private message, I know this is deeply personal information for pretty much everybody out there, and I want you to feel safe and know that I have your confidential back if that is what is needed in order for you to be safe to open up.

I want you to have all the repair and management resources that you need, in addition to all the being seen and seeing each other resources that you also need so people feel gotten.

All this results in the feeling of closeness and connection and healing that I am living now because I went through what you might be going through and I know how to get to the other side by following exactly these steps.

Now it’s your turn to feel this, and try it on and go really deep with it so you can have it too.