Category: Parenting

I want to really share with you, that I wasn’t the best at having parenting be easy for me.

While I was born with a lot of ability to be a good mother, learning how to do the partnership dance with my husband, and sorting out the necessary inner resources that were required to have a really good relationship and a really good family life like I have now were not something that I was just born with.

I had to learn through my own experience.

With some of you, I’ve shared that I didn’t know how to do repair or deal with overwhelming feelings.

And one of the things that I understand and excel at now so deeply is that the primary job of a parent is to help their children feel regulated.

What I mean by regulated is to help them process experiences so that things are neither overwhelming nor underwhelming, but to keep them at a healthy level of engagement.

Well, given the dysfunctional family that I was born and, there were lots of regulation issues and also my husband had regulation issues as well, when it came to dealing with emotion.

I know there are thousands more like me because I have been hearing about it for over 25 years!

And so for us, for a long time we had to really endeavor to develop the inner resources so that we wouldn’t feel overwhelmed with any particular emotions.

There were times when I would look at him and say, “This is just too big and overwhelming, I don’t know what to do.”

And then he would say, I’m feeling that way too, I want to be bigger than this, but I just don’t know how to support you, I can barely even support myself.”

I know that I’m not alone when I speak of these things, and maybe you’ve tried your own ways to deal with overwhelm as well, and wondered how to do the management of your emotions really well.

It’s something I see every week in my practice.

One of the things I know from my work is learning how to deal with emotional overwhelm, by metabolizing the sensations in the body through movement, presence and release.

I knew I needed to do this through all my earliest formative experiences.

So both my husband and I had to go back to the drawing board of our earliest experiences and literally work our way through them by addressing all the difficult emotions that needed containment, and addressing them and giving them actually what they needed.

This meant we had to dig deep into our own ability to birth the inner mother and father that were deeply needed in order to support each one of us individually, and then we could come together as a family.

We had the support of many mentors, deep mature adult friendships with other couples, lots of trauma resources, and lots of support on how to literally hold presence through our hearts and our minds and our bodies, the sensations and thoughts and feelings that accompany overwhelm.

Not only did we do that, but we also learned to deeply repair and to take full responsibility for our own experience while also learning to be empathic and to care for each other’s experience as well.

I remember a time as we were working through this, that it would be so sweet when we could really deepen into the level of maturity that was needed in order to shepherd our relationship in a good way.

And I’m so glad that we did this, because now we have a relationship where we can attune to each other and this results along with healthy management of our feelings and sincere repair and throw in a sprinkle of good family rituals to honor the important things, that the amount of closeness and connection and intimacy skyrocketed.

We healed,
We forgave each other,
We learned how to master emotional regulation,
We learned how to do repair in a really sincere way,
and we learned how to create sacred and meaningful family rituals,
like saging the house together,
or pulling tarot cards together and having a family discussion about what was most helpful.

My job is to help each couple create their own family rituals that fit them and that it’s exactly what I do with my clients that help them experience closeness, family unity and collective healing and honoring amongst them. All of this leads to greater intimacy, ease, and energy freed up to create the hot sex, love and closeness relationship they desire.

Of course, the kids, they love this, even my sweet son would say when he was three, Mama can I ‘stage’ {of course he was talking about sage…} the house? (I didn’t have the heart to correct him and tell him that the t was an extra letter), because his sweetness and sincerity were so special.

I want you to have all these healing benefits as well, and I know that you can, when you do some of the things that I am suggesting above.

I want you to feel close and connected and have the healing resources that you need because you do need them, and you cannot survive and thrive in love where both people come together with their conditioning without it.

I hope you’ll drink this in and take in the good nourishment that’s here.

What’s the first step that you can take this week to start getting going on this for yourself?

For me, I’m going to take an inventory of any places where I still feel there is a need for this, and going to make a list and plan a time with my hubby to connect with him and I know he’ll listen to me even if it’s uncomfortable or even if it’s difficult because we’ve done that work. Wouldn’t it feel great to know the same was possible for you?

That was SUPER fun on our Hot Sex, Love and Closeness Live Stream.

We had a wonderful discussion yesterday on this and I’ll make it super quick.

You KNOW you’re meant for so much more when it comes to Hot Sex, Love and Closeness.

And where you are NOW, when it comes to this.. is merely a fraction of where you know in your bones and soul you’re meant to be.

And.. the kids.. the complication they can add..
of time..
of energy..
and let’s be honest.. the triggers they bring up.

And you’ve seen yourself, maybe doing or saying things you wish you didn’t, patterns with your hubby that you then see with your kids, you notice, but no one really sees, because seriously.. who talks openly about this sh%t.

But we all need to.. cause you see your little ones or older ones watching you….
emulating you…
mirroring some of your patterns back to you…
and you’re not here to be anything else BUT the healthiest transmission of Hot Sex, Love and Closeness you KNOW you need.. desire and deserve… and for them TOO…

Much easier said than done right?

Just how the hell you actually do it when you’ve got a list a mile high to do.. and work calls.. and self-care calls.. and.. and.. AND…..

It’s not going away.. and you know that too.. you’re smart and on it..

Which is why I made it super simple on our Live Stream this week.

Check this out, we’re going to efficiently (because you’re a parent) riff on all the things on exactly WHAT to do to..

• Make healthy commitments to clear up any obstacles in the way.
• To take responsibility to clear up any undesirable patterns that aren’t healthy for you or your kids and reclaim healthy closeness and connection and do your own work to heal your part.
• How to decode places where kids trigger you so you can own your stuff and get healthy.
• Be invested in your own healing, growth and transformation or pay the price of watching the unhealthy lineage stuff get passed on.. which is crushing..
• Own your commitment to BE healthy… and take all actions and practices towards that.

This is not one to miss.

It’s going to be clear, fun and creative.. coz otherwise it’s a more serious intensity to deal with and you’ve had it up to here with that.. I know!

Can’t wait to share this with you.

How badly and deeply do you crave a shift in family life this week that is guaranteed to shift stress and negativity while restoring Hot Sex, Love and Intimacy at the same time?

A lot of my clients are experiencing it this month, especially with kids at home over the holidays and the heat cooking up family dynamics like crazy.

And really, your ability to risk being vulnerable and undefended primarily with yourself (as the foundation), is the direct medicine that will help release family stress while freeing you up for the Hot Sex, Love and Closeness that you so deeply crave.

Here’s the thing.

The bigger the admission of your vulnerability about what’s not working with your partner.. the more it’s going to release massive energy when you share it….

And I know it takes courage.

It takes having faith that it IS okay to admit it.

And massive bravery to pick the thing that’s the hardest.

And let it get air time.

Acknowledgment.

And an open space to be heard, seen and respected.

Because that.. creates SPACE.. for it to actually begin to get related in a way that is creative.. which STOPS the need for it play out unconsciously with drama and negativity.

Enough of that on any level.

And THAT.. helps true freedom from any troubles you’re having to get released.

It helps the kids in whatever way they might be carrying that stress with you.

Which helps massively.

But, it’s truly up to you the level of the risk you take…

Because those who have the ability to admit their greatest shortcomings and challenges when it comes to relationship and family… are the ones who reap the greatest reward..

The reward of…

• noticing your kids following your lead of honest revealing
• easier and calmer family life
• decrease in any and all negativity in relationship and family life
• massive energy freed up to create more Hot Sex, Love and Closeness because god knows you can’t create if you’re tied up in difficult patterns with relationship and or family.

But you’ve got to take the risk.

To get that reward.

So what I want you to do it this.

Find that vulnerable thing. The one that’s the most uncomfortable. The edgy one. The one that’s not working. The one that’s causing the biggest unrest between you and your partner.

Find the sensations of it in your body. Where does it live? Find the location.

Identify the feeling of it.

And when it’s a good time, turn to your partner.

And share this:

“I want to share a big vulnerability with you about us. I feel NAME OF FEELING and it lives in my body here NAME THE SENSATIONS.”

No blame.

No criticism.

No story-making.

Just naming and sharing the feeling and sensation.

Your partner can simply say thank you.

And then they can do the same thing.

Just that sharing opens up so much SPACE.

And relieves the pressure valve of keeping it in.

Who’s willing this week to take a little risk.. and try this so you can get the jewels on the other side? I’m here to support that and I want you to have the benefit of this so you can lighten your load.

Who wants it badly enough?

Pretty sure there’s a lot of badasses going to weigh in on this…

So you want more Hot Sex, Love and Closeness this week?

And you want it to be easier? Especially when it comes to the kids and family.

Practice this.

Identify the ONE thing together that you want to be easier in your family.

Name it.

Both of you.

For example;

• more ease
• less conflict
• more joy

Once you have it.. here’s the thing..

Identify how that thing lives in your body..

For example…If you want more ease.. find the place in your body that says.. ‘I want more ease.’

And the sensations that go along with that..

Like my husband and I practiced this the last two weeks while the kids were at camp and it turned up the intimacy factor on our connection HUGE amounts.

We decided we wanted more ease with the feeling of worry in general. Maybe you can relate to the feeling and wish it would leave your body.

And in our body, that desire looked like warmth in our chest area.

So you focus on the feeling, vibe and sensation of that desire.. for us, warmth in the chest.

But yours will be unique to you.

And keep breathing into it. Sensing it.

And it expands.

And flows.

And preps the mind and heart to follow suit EASILY.

And now, I’m feeling very close to him right now.. and him to me.

And that only leads to juicy things.

And there’s no doubt this is affecting our kids as well…they’re calmer, happier and there’s more SPACE… and it’s feeling really good.

Remember, it’s a practice.. and when you do it, momentum grows and then SHIFT happens.

And Sh%t that’s negative in your family STOPS happening.

Give it a shot. It’s about being with the feeling of the sensation..so it can receive the presence it needs, and therefore not create more drama by going unattended to and then figuring out another way to get your attention.

I know you’re going to like it.. probably LOVE it.

And I’m SO excited for you to experience it.

Tell me what you’re committed to doing this ONE time this week and that you’ll practice this with your beloved.

Let me know with a heart.

My husband and I used to bicker sometimes.

And then lo and behold, the kids had their own version of it one day.

It wasn’t fun. And we shouldn’t have been surprised.

And we knew we had to shift it and this is how we did it.

And how you can too.

Ready?

Next time you’re with your partner, name the ONE thing that you don’t like about your kids. (It’s okay to admit. Everyone has something…)

Got it?

Good.. Okay.. and now…

I want you both to name how that pattern lives in the two of you.

How it speaks.
How it feels.
How it acts.
How it gets addressed by the two of you.. or doesn’t.
How it gets what it actually needs by the two of you, or doesn’t.

And notice how that feels.. just to get that out.

And then…I want you to ask..

• what it needs.
• what it wants.
• what it is asking for to get healed or addressed so it can STOP.
• and what commitments it needs from you to cease.

And then, really simply… I want you to DO it.

And then see what happens.

This doesn’t have to be hard if you’re willing to take a risk to do it.. and give it the help it needs..

For us, when we bickered, we would get inside of the apparent argument, and then ask ourselves what was underneath it.. what it really wanted, what it desired. And we listened. And what we saw was that it was competition for control. That was relieving. And then we could be creative. And then we gave it the exact things it needed. And then, it really shifted.

What’s one thing about the kids that’s driving you crazy right now? Giving each other permission around this is the key! I’ll go first and share mine in the comments.

LMK in the comments..

I got ya on this one.. and I KNOW this will help because I’ve done it myself.. and so have thousands of my clients over the years, with huge a-has, breakthroughs…

And, it ALWAYS helps turn up the Hot Sex, Love and Closeness dial…

• because healing.
• because freeing up of energy
• because kids happier and more resolved
• because you’re more released as well..

Let yourself have the experiences you need… to get the hot sex, love and closeness that you so deeply crave and desire.

Can’t wait to see what you find.

I can usually feel whatever the unrest is with my clients and intuitively where it’s located within a few minutes of them working with me.

So when Tim and Bryce came to see me after being together seven years, both mega high powered careers and two children, age eight and six, I knew where to begin, right with the complaints, the disconnection but also to regrow the love they clearly had too, that they didn’t want to lose.. and so, we got to work very quickly.

They were wanting more closeness, more connection.. and had been feeling their love dwindling amidst the demands of family life.

There was the typical subtle blame and critiques I often see in couples, along with challenges in being vulnerable and undefended.

And there was this undercurrent of anxiety and unrest that pervaded all the discussions. And I wasn’t sure how aware of it they were.. or how deep they had gone into it.. So I decided to ask about the kids.

And then the reactivity heated up.

“They’re just so needy. They gobble up all the energy we have. And they just never seem to want to chill and be calm.”

Here we were..right at the crux..overwhelmed parents..feeling anxious..not supported in being to simply chill..and then the kids have the same pattern. Your kids will reflect the patterns that you currently have, right back at you.

It’s more prevalent than you think.

We inquired into that pattern.

They felt the same energy in their kids, as was inside them.

I helped them see their kids behaviors as an expression of their own, so they could see how it was playing out, so they could heal it.

And worked to resource, self-sooth and contain their own anxiety which stemmed from their own growing up patterns.

They strengthened their commitment to be healthy.

To handle their stuff.

To face their behaviors, and see the impact, and to help their family have more ease, peace and calm.

And like 100% of these cases before this one, the kids completely followed suit, and at the end of our three months of coaching together, they were happier, lighter.. and the kids became some of the most chill kids I’ve seen.

A huge turnaround for sure!

And Tim and Bryce, well let’s just say it’s pretty amazing to see how clearing up the anxiety freed them up for mega watt love, connection and hot sex like they hadn’t had in a loooong time.

They learned to tolerate the anxiety in their body by learning to bring presence right in the sensations of discomfort, and how that shifted into ease which then flowed through their body, and into their hearts and minds, affecting feelings, thoughts and how they behaved interpersonally, and then that affected the children.

Now seriously, isn’t it your turn..to transform the negative energies and dynamics in your family and get on with the Hot Sex, Love and Closeness you KNOW you’re meant to have…

While having chill and calm in your family…

Now that brings a big sigh of relief and a smile to my face…

And I want you to have your own version of it..deeply!

Because you need it and your kids need it.. much more than ever.

And then you can be the hero of helping them have the relationship future filled with all the Hot Sex, Love and Closeness they deserve while paving the way for them..

The ripple effect of the future of your happy children and your own relationship peace rests in your hands…

What’s one way you can work to self-soothe and bring down your anxiety this week?

In the middle of winter this past year, my then ten year old son Emanuel was snuggling in the bed between me and my hubby.

He loves to spoon for a little while, then has me scratch his back.. finally letting me caress his cheek tenderly while synchronizing our breathing together which relaxes and restores his whole nervous system into deep alrightness.

I don’t know how long this will last, but my Mama self savors every moment to infuse his precious heart with all the conscious ingredients that make a fantastic relationship filled with all the good things we all need and deeply desire.

And with him, we’ve really worked to provide great care to be conscious of the transmission we give him about love, sex and closeness as he gears up towards puberty and is developing his inner structures about all this more passionately than ever before.

I have to tell you, it’s touching to watch him get interested in girls…and also a great responsibility to be good role models.. because I KNOW that children who feel the transmission (think healthy energy!) of their parents having hot sex, love and closeness start adult relationship from a COMPLETELY different vantage point, not to mention eliminate so many of the challenges that can plague us in the world of adult relationships. You know…

And I know.. Truth is sometimes, we didn’t always give him the great modeling despite some of our best efforts.

We were fallibly human. Like the many times we weren’t perfect containers, or lost our shit and got frustrated. Or when we were stressed, overwhelmed or just plain tired. And the kids felt it.

We had leaky spots where we had to clean up our commitment to BE healthy in these areas. Like when childhood wounds that were still healing and getting integrated, infiltrated the space and the kids didn’t like the energy and reacted. Big Neon sign cue to get more committed to clearing it all.

To practice what we preach and have integrity.

To clean up our own family emotional dysfunction, that was passed down… (there was plenty of it)

To resolve to be mindful of what words we used and especially the tone we used them in.

To decode, confront and heal the places where the kids triggered our own stuff. (which they did)

We weren’t perfect.

Or conscious all the time.

We made mistakes.

And worried we’d mess the kids up.

And we relentlessly worked our asses off and did the darn work.

The growth work.

The healing work.

The repair work.

The commitment work.

The practice work.

The forgiveness work.

The repairing work of healing negative patterns of connecting.

And on this cold wintery day, rain falling softly outside, when we least expected it, after hot cocoa and a nice fluffy tuck in of the billowy marshmallow color comforter, my sons says…

“Mama, I want a relationship just like you and Daddy have, someone I can be close and connected to as well…”

My eyes popped wide open.

And I exhaled.. and breathed a deep sigh of triumph and relief.

‘Enough there.. enough goodness and rite transmission from us went IN.’

…even though we weren’t perfect… cause we weren’t.. Thank God!

Not that we’re coasting because let’s be honest, there’s always more deep work to do.

But we’re on the right track because of doing all these things, these practices, the forgiveness work, repairing the struggles, the healing of the inside parts that were responsible for negative patterns.

And you.. you’re seeing same things with the kids.

Not too far away from what you’re seeing in yourself and your partnership.

Things that maybe not everyone else notices. But you do.. because you’re on it.

And the last thing you want or need is your kid reflecting back to you that you’re exactly what they don’t want.. in any way!

And you want the best for them and for you..

A Healthy and Rockin’ Hot Sex, Love and Closeness Relationship.

The kind you want deep in your bones.. and NEED deep in your soul.

Yes.. you get to have that.. and you get to be supported in it as well, because aloneness with these things never got anyone anywhere.

So what’s ONE thing you can do to BE the healthy Hot Sex, Love and Closeness transmission for your kids this week? K. I. S. S. (Keep It Simple Sweetheart). For me, this week, I am demonstrating being a good leader under pressure for my daughter, who pushes me to see where the line is. I know if I do this, she’ll inspire others to be a great leader too, and she’ll have great boundaries as well.

Feel free to send me a private message here so I can send you some good energy and support as you’re doing the work.