As many of you know, I grew up in tremendous dysfunction.
All kinds of abuse.
And no one knew about it.
Because on the outside everything looked really fine.
But inside, I died a little each day because I felt so broken-hearted.
As you can imagine,
someone who had endless curiosity,
and endless depth,
who looooved nature so much,
who loved to draw and write and sing and dance,
who felt the presence of awareness and love deeply,
and was very open and cared so much,
would not have an easy time in a family with two dark warriors as parents, shut down hearts, full of criticism, contempt and hell-bent on self-destruction.
Not at all.
I knew, dawning at age 9, that all was not well at home, in fact, not just…not well,
but really off, really disturbed.
But I wanted to be like the other kids, who had parents that cared, were normal
and equipped to be parents.
I didn’t want what I had.
I remember one day sitting in meditation in front of my closet, summoning all
my will and heart to find my way through the door, into another land,
one where children and their essence were cherished, wanted and respected.
But instead, I got the messages,
I was a problem
And what I saw and heard and felt was a problem.
I was too much energy
And not enough, all at the same time.
I was good for what I did for others
And selfish for wanting anything for myself.
That I was too beautiful and sexy
And that it was way too much of a problem
And that closeness to me was wanted from others all the time.
But if I was really real and the wise me, I’d be rejected
And that it was weird and ‘off’ that all kinds of angels and images appeared in my mind before I fell asleep each night, guiding me though,
Those are the messages I got repeatedly as a little one.
Just let that in,
because I know lots of you have your own version of this to deal with, especially when it comes to relationships, and we all have our histories and lineage, in some way or another.
Let in, that I overstand (lol) this very much.
It’s really hard to overcome all those horrible messages about yourself.
And to believe that they were true.
And to see how much of your personality and body forms around taking these lies as gospel.
I know what it’s like to be sunken in false identities..
And you know what else, I know what it’s like to let my essence live free.
But it was really hard to deal with all those thoughts about myself.
And to behave, believe and feel as though they were true.
So for a while, I surrendered the battle to the fake identity (id)
that I WAS all those things.
I succumbed to all the attitudes, behaviors, feelings and actions that went along with believing the
fake id. (my husband and I’s term.)
And I felt the crippling self esteem, the oppressive inside voice that shut
me down and off, every time.
But I kept going in my healing.
And my relentless liberation for the truth fueled me.
And I finally, only recently came to accept the truth,
I am not a problem.
I am just plenty.
I see and hear things that need to be shared.
That my intuition is acutely right on, every time.
That my voice is one that wants to be heard.
And that I know the incredible value of a thorough, no stone left unturned, transformation journey.
It’s a bit bittersweet now to see how long I believed falseness about myself.
Bitter cause it hurt me.
Sweet, because there’s nothing more precious and sacred than knowing the truth of who you really are.
And what you’re meant to create and bring forth in this world.
And of course, from where I sit now, it’s undeniable who I truly am,
Even though it was deeply difficult to arrive here.
And I know,
We don’t all arrive at this ‘suddenly’ one day,
It’s a process that requires fathomless amounts of self-love and self-compassion.
I have to give this to myself each day.
And I was thinking the other day about all the adversities that I’ve had,
the sheer number of obstacles that I have overcome with the sheer depth,
and creative perseverance of my all my inner resources, and my brave heart,
I am a Scottish Goddess of The Wild, After all…;-)
And I realized, that those things, that I felt dammed with all those years, forsaken, lost,
broken, and eternally heartbroken, really were instead a huge miracle and blessing,
in helping me recognize the medicine that I carry.
Because I could hear what hadn’t been said,
And felt what hadn’t been felt, on the most intricate and whispered of places,
And what was in the relationship in-between places,
That was causing the trouble,
And I could feel true beauty, sincerity, creativity, power, and love, struggling to get through relationship tensions.
And the way through all of it.
By leaning into inner and outer support.
Which is exactly what I did and still do.
Because this is what I survived and lived through.
And it is part of ‘my story,’
And what I was dealing with, over and over,
so I know how to undo, even the most
tangled of entanglements,
they’re not just mental, or physical, or emotional, or sexual..
it’s usually all of them at the same time…
and it’s art and science, and soul, and awareness, and tension, and dynamism to break through them…
And my divine essence got me through.
And so I know how to be a Master Healer because of such relentless
initiations into healing, every step of the way.
And I know what it takes to thrive in relationship because of my
incredible inner strength and bravery.
And it’s also what makes me amazing at my work,
because I can have sincere integrity when I share with my clients
that I see
and hear them
and that their love matters
and so does their beauty, power, creativity, natural instincts and dreams,
and I see the way through the heartache of difficult relationship
into the one that you most desire
and you get to have that, all the way.
because this is what I went through myself too,
and as I deepen into it,
more and more,
the better and better it gets.
Now it’s your turn.
I’m here to walk beside you.
This is how experiencing multiple and complex trauma turned out to be a huge gift, not a death sentence, and made me a master healer.
I hope this speaks to someone’s soul today.
All My Heart…
