Some of you know I shared yesterday that my hubby and I are celebrating 17 years of our first date which is today.
So exciting and I’m so happy right now.
We had a blast going out last night, in our little town, which has shifted all the restaurants outside with tables and chairs, right on the Petaluma river which winds it’s way through the north west part of town, shifting the human connection all the way outside, just like how it feels in Europe.
Needless to say, I’m totally charmed, and it’s reflecting how I feel on the inside as well..
But how?
I’ve always felt such a strong call for the power of romantic relationship – but not a relationship of convenience or convention, no! Not for me.
Nor was the romance only relationship going to lure me in either….
But an evolutionary partnership – led by the individual and shared desires of the soul to be fully liberated in all the ways, that call has always charmed me.
And one of the things I loved, when I met Noah, just about 17 years ago for the first time, was that he was down for the same ride.
It was felt.
And it was igniting.
Catalyzing.
Transforming.
Ecstatic.
And ultimately continues to be liberating.
So today, I’ve been writing and wanted to share the 17 things that have been linchpin keys we’ve identified, some separately and some together that make for soul-satisfying love.
1. Wanting the same thing ultimately. No matter what we went into when I wanted something from him (the role I’ve played more), or he wanted something from me, ultimately what we wanted together and/or for or from the other person always (underneath any defended layers) was always the same thing. Do you truly want the same things?
2. Equal passion regarding work and contribution. My husband is crazy passionate about work – he’s currently in the process of getting two of his genius creations funded and he’s intoxicated with the creative process. As am I, with mine. A huge desired outcome from all this is not only to contribute time and love but also money into projects that require financial backing. This shared value is HUGE.
3. Insane Sexual Chemistry. This was undeniable when we met and has continued on to this day. And no, it is not every minute, but it IS available when we come together, and it’s still as strong and stronger and wilder than ever, and it’s even better than our honeymoon period which was pretty smokin’. Even when we have gone through difficult patches (and we’ve had plenty) or places where we were challenged, we still cherished that our chemistry never wavered – because ultimately what we wanted was the same.
4. Indestructible Faith That There Was More For Us Beyond Any Challenge. We have faced some gnarly stuff in our relationship. Some very complex trauma on both sides and it took tremendous wisdom and love to see those parts through. This indestructible faith is a necessary ingredient because every couple will have challenges beyond the honeymoon phase and the question is what will guide you through that? Whatever that is – find that thing and take refuge in it like your relationship depends on it, because it does.
5. Unconditional Love For The Shadows. Let us be wise to expect that there will be shadows of all different flavors and textures. Some grand and colorful, and some so subtle you’ll wonder how they’ll ever get sorted out (they will!). And that every great love will invite forward everything that is and was ever outside of love. Remember, great karmas can be undone in the context of great love so if this is you…let that unconditional love be a container and sweet holding.
6. Spiritual Awakening + Liberation Desires Are Shared. Ultimately what has worked for us is being on the same page and clear with our desires for freedom. In ALL the places. And, we cherish and champion that for each other, even if it has challenged us. We take a solid stand for the sovereignty for the other to support this freedom.
7. Parenting Values Shared. I did not think I wanted kids when I met Noah. But he saw more than me. I had even said in my dating profile, one kid, maybe one day, if it’s RIGHT. He said simply, they’ll be two (love that masculine knowing and putting it right out there – we were just together two months), but that right part included those values being shared, which we clarified well before having kids and getting closer and intertwined with our lives. We never fight about the kids, and our only conflict is when they trigger something unfinished in one of us that is unconscious – which let’s face it, it always is our stuff as parents that plays out with our kids, for the most part, it’s hardly ever them on their own. Of course, there are exceptions.
8. Grow The Resources Needed To Govern The Issues. Because there will be issues. Many of them. And some you’ll feel on top of. And some you’ll be like WTF just happened and how did this get so entangled. At different times, different parts of you will get activated. Some times it will be mental, emotional, body, spiritual, sexual, financial, family etc. Identify the resources that are needed to carefully attend to YOUR needs..take the time to do that. Grow and develop those resources. They will become like precious jewels to help nourish and heal your marriage in the places that need it.
9. Prioritize US Time. One of my fears of having children was they would come first. But again, my hubby said, ‘No, we come first.” I was about to disqualify him from being my partner, but then he explained more. “Without us, there is no them. We come first.” I trusted him, and even though I wasn’t sure how it would all play out, we committed to date nights, mutual care, practices, rituals and ceremony together, the things we know that nurture us and give us what we need. Before Covid we would do overnights, hire a babysitter, and we’ve had a few 8 or so days away with just us – the last one being in Jamaica (gosh I miss that land) where we renewed our vows in 2018.
10. Embrace The Power of Forgiveness + Compassion. There is going to be hurt. It will be impossible not to have some hurts or injuries in your marriage or partnership unless you are both Mother Theresa in spirit, but for the rest of us humans, we hurt and we hurt each other. And that’s not the problem, but what is for many couples is the process of repair, forgiveness and understanding. Find out how to do your version of yours. It will be a blessing to you both and provide the necessary medicinal salve that you will absolutely need. The repair process gives so much life to a relationship when there has been hurt and it’s worth its weight in gold to learn how to do it really well.
11. Know There Will Be Many Marriages/Relationships Within The One. I kind of feel like we are entering our 4th marriage. The first one was the honeymoon. ‘I’m crazy about your marriage. The second one was the marriage of all our traumas and intersecting injuries and wounds. The third was the marriage of us that would overcome all that and take us to the promise land of true love. And the fourth one we are integrating now is the marriage of real and abiding, true love. I’m sure there will be more.
12. Respect The Impact & Power of Trauma and Ancestral Issues & Address Them From The Root On Out Into Your Life. Unless you are one of the less than 5% of the population that had secure early attachment, chances are, there will be trauma or difficult early conditioning imprints to careful attend to, and there’s no more place that they will show up that in an intimate partnership. Take them seriously, and please, don’t try to heal them alone. Honestly. Prioritize healing these because they absolutely run the show and even though they may look gnarly from the outside, (and they can certainly feel that way), the reason for my urgency is this. They will keep wrecking some kind of drama/trauma havoc on your precious love until you attend to them, and liberate them fully for the life force they contain for your love, your work, your family and all life.
13. Cultivate The Creative & The Sacred Separately & Together. One of the things I love about myself, my hubby and our connection is the depth of creativity we share. We are both into music, he plays and I sing, I paint, make jewelry, and amazing magical meals (he’s an expert dishwasher loader, lol). He invents new systems and magical worlds both in his work and that we get to enjoy together. Find out what these things are, and grow them. They become a resource and deep source of support and container-ship when difficult material arises. Creative practices help grow the muscles on the inside to do relationship easier, and you can never have too many of those, right?
14. Be & Develop Presence, Even If You Think You Already Have It. I can’t say enough about this. Sometimes I think, if only the world had more of JUST THIS ONE THING, then everything. would be easier. Presence can be one of those things. The ability to simple BE with what IS, over and over, because we all know, there are plenty of places that are going to come and want your attention and the difference in dynamics versus peace is whether you are going to give it presence or not. Still, there are places where my hubby and I keep giving each other opportunities in our triggered places to develop more and more presence.
15. Keep Learning About Each Other. Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, Physically and Sexually. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you’ve got it all figured out. My inner precocious one has been humbled here back into a state of wonder and innocence. I expect to be learning til the day I die, and then some. BE in a state of wonder and innocence about it all – all the things, and if you aren’t, that’s a good clue as to where the work is. Do that work, because learning is so much better than drama and righteousness. And even more than that, the payoff is more vitality, which let’s face it, as we get older is a welcome resource.
16. Have & Create Rituals To Nourish Your Lives. My hubby has led the way here; couples rituals, kids rituals, celebration rituals, learning how to do things rituals (often accompanied by ridiculous singing on his part), healing and repair rituals, letting go rituals, abundance rituals, purification rituals, rituals where we needed honoring. I am sure we will create more as we need them. They bring everyone together in the family, reinforce the power of the social nervous system and in general make everyone happy. What are some of yours that you love?
17. Lean Into Support – Multiple Layers. I can share with you right now, honestly, that I wouldn’t still be married and thriving today if it weren’t for the multitude of mentors, guides, counselors, wise women and men that have guided our journey, both together and separately, and as a family. We are NOT meant to do this alone. We used to have tribes that supported every aspect of daily life, but now we are all so segregated and separated. This is NOT normal and it hurts us and creates more separation in places where we already feel separate, either from each other, or our inner resources than can help us flourish and move through trauma/drama, wounding, injuries and crisis.
What’s one thing from this list you resonate with?
Even one thing from this list will help you if you embody it deeply, but all 17 create the Divine, yet sustainable love affair of a lifetime that makes life, especially right now, worth living and being thrilled about.
Do you have something to add?
LMK in the comments.
We’ve still got some spaces left in my new program, Divine Connection Alchemy, that focuses on cultivating exactly the epic and soulful sex, love and connection you’re wanting to have from the inside out, from the ground up, and from soul all the way out into your life.
You’re invited and I would love to have you.
