“Why do I constantly feel like my relationship is on shaky ground, like any time I say/do something ‘wrong’ the other person might end it?” A client asked recently.
You are NOT here to be canceled in a relationship dear one, instead, your unresolved guilt and abandonment issues are calling for non-judgment, support and resolution. And now is the perfect time to start to bring the resources to them they most need so you can say what’s in your heart and feel deeply secure that all will be well.
But how do we begin to bring in those resources?
First, we must bring in context, because it creates connection.
Of course relationships bring up absolutely everything for resolution (not just to mess with us). And we often forget, a primary relationship with another, brings up all the primary relationship stuff with our earliest caregivers. Usually that is mother and father, but not always. It’s that kind of path, both tremendously deep work and also a huge opportunity for growth as well.
And to walk this path, you must have courage. And compassion.
Courage – the fire in your heart to acknowledge that you’re about to, and you will face some intense material that’s deep and vulnerable.
Compassion – to bring constant tenderness, understanding and empathy to all that this brings up for you, of course, with your history it is going to be a lot. The little one is also tender.
You embrace the opportunity to grow. You see that you are being given a tremendous chance, to heal and release from the past, and to take that healed state back to your relationship and create anew from it. This is tremendously empowering and liberating.
And if you are afraid of being abandoned for doing something wrong there is also guilt running the show which is a giant judgment. You start to be curious about the feelings. You ask…
– If I didn’t judge myself as wrong, what would I have to feel instead?
– What would those feelings be?
– Identify them.
– Find out what body sensations are connected to them.
– Identify those.
– Bring presence, awareness, and attention to them.
– Notice what happens.
Many can find small bits of movement from just this alone.
The feelings you originally had, probably someone told you they were wrong, or you were made to feel as though you were wrong.
But they are not wrong.
They are just what they are.
They are from your heart.
And we are honoring them now.
We are witnessing them now.
We are dignifying them now.
And we can see the judgment of ‘wrongness’ is simply a label to keep them in survival safe-keeping until the time to thrive is upon you, and that time is now.
You are more calm because presence is with sensations. And so are your compassion and courage. That is stabilizing, not shaking. Shaking belongs in the history of the there-and-then!
And they are finally getting what they have needed for so long. And then this state is different inside of you. And you are not abandoning them, because for the first time in your life, you are being WITH them. There is the non-abandonment medicine right there. How can the fear of abandonment feel the same?
It can’t!
And this is what it takes.
Over and over, not just in the guilt places, but all the judgment and unresourced places. And it’s time. And so resolving, because now you get to have clear conversations that feel stable, secure and well responded to. Because you have done the work. And from there, intimate conversations can deeply flow, and love can grow more, because all these healing qualities and resources that you’re bringing into the judgment, and the body ARE love in action. Remember, love is a verb. Only fabulous things can come from that, that I am sure of.
I know the coaching industry really means well, but many do not have the training in emotional regulation, somatic work, trauma release, PTSD, while also being integrated with mind, and the intimate work of the partnership path. It’s a real specialty and I’ve met very few. And this kind of work really needs that synthesis, care, attunement and unique curation to what you’re dealing with, in the realms you’re dealing with it in.
Helping you go from feeling guilty and like their relationship is on shaky ground from speaking their truth to feeling solid and secure to safely express what’s in their heart and have the conversations that need to be had in a way that feels connecting, sustainable and satisfying at long last is what we do in my three months 1:1 hybrid group coaching program where I help coaches, entrepreneurs and professionals.
Nothing remains abandoned in the healing process and so that fear is dissolved. What people do from there is an expression of their creativity as relationship undoing energies (like guilt or shame) get undone and the heart is allowed to share wild and free as she or he desires. And from there, the sexual connection has a huge upgrade as well. PM (http://m.me/joanna.intara/) me if you’re interested and we’ll have a quick chat to see if it’s a fit.
