I once worked with a man who saw me over a period of ten years.
He came in with his first wife, not able to move past the negative relationship cycle of blame, criticism and subtle putting things on the other person.
She loved him, but she’d had enough of his ways.
Rarely, it’s already gone too far by the time they come to me (which is why you shouldn’t wait!), but this was one of those cases.
But to his credit, he came back with his new girlfriend (post ex wife)…still not willing to do the deep intimacy healing work… and she left him as well.
And then, because third time’s the charm, he came back with engaged to be married lady #3, determined to break the cycle.
He wasn’t upset or irritated.
But he was pretty disgusted with himself and how he’d handled things, not wanting to sabotage things again for the third time.
And he looked me squarely in the eyes with intensity and asked…
“How do I get past the fantasy that if I’m with the right person, that there’ll never be issues that trip me or us up?”
This is the idea that so many people have.
They think the honeymoon period should last forever, but that chemical combination in the brain is not sustainable.
You HAVE to cultivate true love.. which is where the work of intimacy with all your inner parts: your feelings, thoughts, intuition and instincts comes in..
And he struggled with that.. as many of us can and do. Very few get taught how to do all this stuff… but if we truly need Hot Sex, Love and Closeness, which is in NO way is optional or negotiable, you’ve got to take this in.
I turned to him, Andre’, and shared THIS.
“The medicine is IN the messes you find yourself in.
There will always be messes as long as we are human.
Your job is to be intimate with the mess.. to have enough presence with it, enough compassion, enough space and enough curiosity to see what exactly it is trying to show you… do you know what that is…?”
I was strong in the way he had asked me to be.. so my intensity level was matched to the way he needed to breakthrough… because really, it was now or never.
An open space permeated what used to be closed, due to fear and insecurity.
And then, he got it.
- His resistance…dissolved..
- He embraced the mess, which you can so often resist.
- He inquired deeply about the parts.. and what was trying to happen.
- He listened… s p a c i o u s l y ….
And his relationship blossomed.. and this time, it was for keeps.
Proud moment for me…
And self-loving moments for him too.
The triumph of
- releasing resistance
- embracing the mess
- inquiring into it
- and attending to the inner parts by giving them what the actually NEED.
It’s an inside out job.
More intimacy with all your parts… creates intimacy in the dynamic.. creates intimacy with healing, which creates closeness and the connection that makes life worth living..
So if you’re on the fence.. and ready to leave or split up, this is your siren call.
- it’s not too late
- you can do this
- and I’m going to show you exactly how to do this.
Don’t have ten years go by like Andre’.
What’s ONE thing you can do to create this for yourself this week?
