She’s not trying to hurt you when you open up, but you’re convinced she is, and the same old activation stories get whipped up and cause nothing but pain.
You’re missing the giant vulnerabilities all around that haven’t been addressed or dignified to release the pressure around the tender underneath.
And it’s SOOO hard to do this in a culture that has yet to reckon collectively with vulnerability, but we are the creators of culture, you, me, and how we relate with this material, right here and right now.
Let’s start there.
First of all, you’re trying to do something that can feel very HARD to your body. Our bodies are designed to protect us. If something seems dangerous to us, we will go into self-protection mode, even if we don’t want to.
Unfortunately, we are 100% responding to templates of the past when we are in activation. Take that in. The thing your mind is convinced is going on (and it’s corresponding activation and entanglements) is located in the past, and its real reason that it’s here is not to mess with you, it’s to get you to see it, so it can be carefully untangled to reveal what’s underneath.
Of course, when the underneath hasn’t ever really been safely addressed, then we easily get pounded into all our familiar mind spin, or what I call ‘activation whip-up material.’ I say that because that’s how my clients describe it.
And so, we lack language and safety to being to say,
“I FEEL VULNERABLE.”
It’s the hardest thing to say and dignify, but that is EXACTLY it needs and will never go away until it gets it.
And so when you are convinced she’s trying to hurt you, you notice this is a story. (because you’ve seen it so many times.)
And you know it is not true, because it is always the same story in multiple scenarios, not just with this partner, but in your life.
You reflect on yourself…” I see I always think she’s trying to hurt me. It feels awful, and I can see it’s not just that I’ve felt that way towards her… I’ve felt this familiar energy my whole life. It really isn’t all about her. What might it be about for me?
And you grant the acknowledgment that it feels unsafe.
You can see it feels like there is danger, but instead of acting out the danger as if it is true, you stop yourself and go one step before it with your new awareness.
You reflect again to yourself….” I have a new awareness that this is always my mental go-to place. Always. I see that I feel unsafe. And when I do, I can now say I feel unsafe or acknowledge that I feel vulnerable. And so I’ll tell her that right now. ‘When you talk to me about this, I feel vulnerable.'”
And you dignify the feeling of vulnerability.
And you do this because for your whole life you haven’t done that. You can see you’ve bypassed it, fought against it, accused the other, told a story to get you away from it, numbed yourself from it, or been excessively caretaking (fawning) when you’ve felt it. In the privacy of your own mind, you admit that to yourself first. And you admit your unique version of it.
You continue to reflect and now say to your partner, “I want to honor my vulnerability and yours. I want to stay right here with it, breath by breath (as I did with my clients today), until it feels more stable to simply BE with it. I don’t want to rush past it into anything.”
And you continue to practice because it takes that, and it is part of what helps the muscle build.
And you get support to stabilize into the new place because that is what helps it get integrated, included, strengthened, and supported.
And you won’t be perfect about it, and even though this might seem counterintuitive, you expect slip-ups. Why? Because it’s wise and you are not a robot, and it’s not a linear progression, but a trend…and when you do these things, make no mistake, you are;
<<< The New Trendsetter of Vulnerability Culture>>>
…right inside your own partnership, and beyond that it, impacts the world, and my heart is compelled to thank you for your part.
Now, I wish that insight would shift this like I hear so often in the coaching world, but really… if it was going to, it would have by now. “Be open, be real, be vulnerable …. “and the worst labeling of this.. “Just freaking do it…” And I hear my clients say, ‘well no shit Sherlock if I could do it, I would have.” It’s not THAT easy.
It takes these skills above plus a whole lot more to implement them. It takes embodiment and space. It takes a synthesis of understanding how to work with the mind, help it become liquid, and create a culture inside and between two people, with inspired solutions coming from there. It’s not easy and should not be taken flippantly.
And when you want amazing intimacy and love, and profound sexual connection, it’s not a question of whether the vulnerability can be something you just don’t integrate. It’s essential. And it will mess up your chances at creating the relationship you desire because the protection layers above it are full of self-sabotaging and relationship undoing behaviors and constellations. Trust me; I’ve lived them and seen them thousands of times over.
Helping coaches, entrepreneurs and professionals go from fixed mindsets, beliefs or stories about what their partner is trying to do them and acting out in the partnership to dropping way below the mind, and into a safely created heart, to respectfully dignify and work with all the vulnerable places with ease, simplicity and returning a ton of relief and connection is what we do in my 3 months private, hybrid 1:1 and group program. And what happens is MASSIVE life force gets freed up to create the love, connection, and sexual connection that’s most wanted. Not only that, it lights it on fire in the best way. Just imagine the possibilities that can open up for you. Vulnerability integrated and dignified produces sustainable tenderness, open-heartedness, love, connection, solutions, deep care, radical love, and so much more. These are beyond price, truly. Email me at joanna@joannaintara.com if you’re interested, and we’ll have a quick chat to see if it’s a fit.
