There’s such a palpable sweetness that happens when you’re sitting in the room with clients or working with them and the issue of repair, attunement and regulation comes up.
You know, the number one job of parents is to help their children feel emotionally regulated which is very difficult when we haven’t learned to do it for ourselves.
Which is another way of saying emotionally not overwhelmed nor underwhelmed.
And sadly, we’re still learning how to do this so it’s very often that grown adults who mean well, smart and intelligent grow up and not knowing how to do these things really well in their own partnerships.
This results in such a deep complaint of disconnection, hurt, resentment and bitterness, and one of the constant things I hear with my couples who are parents, which are many, is that they are overwhelmed and no time for special anything.
Many of you who own businesses, startups, online practices can feel deeply overwhelmed and wonder where there’s time for anything personal or how you’re going to figure out this work life family balance.
This was the complaint of my clients Sara and Sal who came into the session space together but it was like they were two distant people who barely knew each other.
Sara looked hard, long lines of what looked like anguish to me on her face, a tight jaw, and pursed lips were her consistent presentation.
Sal seemed a bit numb, and his eyes looked cloudy and when I tuned into the frequency in the room it felt hard and bitter and so this told me that there was probably repairs that needed to have happen, not to mention valuable resources that needed to be brought in so they could learn how to manage overwhelming experiences and create special time for them and their family.
Sara started, “Sal, when I’m feeling overwhelmed you just seem to avoid me. There’s no healing that happens after we seem to talk about things and I feel unseen and that we’ve lost the sense of specialness between the two of us.”
Sal’s stiffened. “Sara, I don’t know what else to do, no matter how much I try to support you in things feeling connected and healed between us, I feel like I fail you, and I’m not motivated to create special times between us because you’re unhappy and I don’t want to disappoint you again.”
So often, I hear this complaint in a few different versions.
And I knew that the work we needed to do was to help them learn how to:
– Repair, so that whatever lurking hurts, sadnesses, disappointments, and left over injuries and wounds could actually get the proper attention they needed. I helped them do this by bringing in deep forgiveness that helps people word actually how to ask for forgiveness, and how to offer it in a way that is not blaming or critical or diminishes the person for needing the forgiveness to begin with.
– Regulate difficult states of overwhelm. This meant having resources in their tool box to help hold literally difficult or overwhelming states. For example, this meant being able to have understanding, and presence in their bodies that could serve the function of being containers to actually hold the difficult overwhelming experiences. From my understanding of deep developmental work, I also know that reparenting our inner mother and father who may not have contributed to our own ability to manage overwhelming experiences, is deeply critical and I watched how Sarah and Sal let this work in and actually began to find a lot of relief because they now have some creative tools on how to address their wounds and how to address it with each other.
– Not only that but they also learned attunement, the ability to really tune into where the other person is and learn to put language to it. This requires learning the language of feelings, and also the language of sensations. From my deep study of trauma work and sensorimotor psychotherapy, we delved into the world of being present to sensation, and how to work with that in a way that helps the body learn to become resourced.
– Ritual, we dived deep into how to create sacred special practices to honor what was really important to them and or their family, and we created massive family ritual experiences that were honoring, and respectful to each person in the family. With all these new tools in their toolbox, Sarah and Sal healed a huge piece of disconnection in their relationship. They repaired, they handled their overwhelm, they learned how to deeply attuned to themselves and each other, and how to create sacred special rituals of meaning for them and their family members.
I know that these two aren’t the only ones who deal with some version of this, and if you’re reading this I want you to know I really truly get you, and I know how much you struggle with not having these things, I know that hurts, the overwhelm, the lack of anything special feeling going on, and the feeling of not being seen.
They’re really painful and you don’t have to live that way, not anymore.
Which is what ended up happening with my clients. Three months later they decided to renew their decision to continue working with me, because their family life had shifted, they were feeling so much more connected, and repairs and overwhelm were flowing the way they needed to.
I want this for you!
So what I’m wondering is, what is ONE thing you can do to commit to bringing in repair in your relationship in any way that’s needed?
Feel free to send me a private message, I know this is deeply personal information for pretty much everybody out there, and I want you to feel safe and know that I have your confidential back if that is what is needed in order for you to be safe to open up.
I want you to have all the repair and management resources that you need, in addition to all the being seen and seeing each other resources that you also need so people feel gotten.
All this results in the feeling of closeness and connection and healing that I am living now because I went through what you might be going through and I know how to get to the other side by following exactly these steps.
Now it’s your turn to feel this, and try it on and go really deep with it so you can have it too.
