A lot of people carry dis-empowered beliefs about how they’re going to have the closeness they desire.
That, or they farm out their happiness with the idea that they’ll meet the right man or woman and THEN everything will be intimate, cozy, easy breezy.
Or if you’re in relationship, that closeness will be when your partner displays a certain quality, then you’ll be closer, or more intimate, or have more sex and love.
It’s easy to slip into.
But it also sucks your sovereign power to engage with yourself and become more intimate, connected and aware of your own inner life, that you would ascribe it to someone else, or locate your safety to go intimate outside yourself.
I’ve done this many times.
Actually, my hubby and I did it with each other.
He wouldn’t open up to me or feel close to me unless certain things were present.
And I was the same. I found myself outsourcing my needs for intimacy and projecting onto him.
Where instead I could have just done this.
Become really honest in my self-assessment about how available I would be for the deep intimacy I wanted IF he did certain things, rather than become deeply available for that intimacy with myself.
I had to get extremely real with what parts of myself I was secure being intimate with…and then be even more honest with assessing what parts were actually off-limits.
And when you’ve got two people who are not doing that…
Not exactly yummy closeness.
So when you feel the call to make the other person be more intimate in the places than you are with yourself.
When you hold back, or contract, or withhold closeness and emotional intimacy because you’re waiting for the other person to do something first…
Turn towards yourself.
Hold yourself to that.
And be extremely honest in how open for intimacy, closeness and emotional connection you actually are.
Don’t let yourself off with the easy answer. Call yourself on your own projection strategies.
For example, I felt so relieved when I finally stopped trying to have my hubby meet my needs for emotional safety in certain places, and when I took that power back and became safe inside myself in those places no matter what he did, our connection shifted and we became much closer.
It’s tempting and maybe you’ll feel more comfortable for a while doing that, maybe you’ll tell yourself you’re more safe, but how long is that honestly going to last?
This closeness need is not going to go away…
It won’t give up getting your attention.
And why should it?
It’s actually trying to get you to come home to it.
To get that honest and intimate with yourself first BEFORE you go trying to extract external things from another and BE that with yourself, with your partner, in whatever place you need to FIRST and then see what happens.
You might just change your relationship.
And well, if you both do this, then there’s no telling how deliciously and ridiculously close you can be.
This is what I’m experiencing now… this much closeness.. sweetness…intimacy..and connectedness.
It’s the sacred gift of giving YOURSELF in full so that you don’t have the problem of feeling like they’re not giving it to you, whatever THAT is you want so things can be closer and more intimate and connected.
And I’m very sure that if you do the same for you, you just might change your relationship world to have the exact kind of intimate, closeness connection you’ve been desiring. Starting with you.
Feel free to share with me here ONE step you’re going to take this week with yourself to get more honest with your availability for intimacy. For me, I’m going to spend time getting very clear on what I’m still secretly hoping he will do or say, so that I’ll feel closer to him, and then tell him about it, and go find that in myself first.
What will you do?
