When you’re a human in a real partnership, you’re susceptible to all the human-y things that can happen.
Let’s not pretend.
Injuries happen
Hurts happen
Wounds get activated
Betrayals can happen
Loveless places get opened
Hard spots get touched
And it’s not like society does a good job at teaching us how to get through these things.
And for couples, this a place where they desperately need support, if they are going to succeed in cultivating the exquisite hot sex, love and closeness they desire.
At least they didn’t teach me, nor did I get the support, and I’m guessing you haven’t received much of the right modeling either. I know my story might be yours as well.
You see, I arrived at adult relationship, and marriage with very little clue on how to grow love, how to be the embodiment of mature understanding, how to embody compassion well, and how to do repair of injuries, harms, or slights.. and be co-partner in creating and embodying or facilitating true forgiveness.
And these things.. they’re not optional. not if we want hot sex, love and closeness, because they make us feel safe with our partner, held, healed, and connected in present day time without murky shadows from the past lingering in our space.
I brought plenty of my own injuries to my marriage.. and I was working on them all the time. I wanted to be a good, conscious partner. And yet, despite my best attempts…
I fell short on compassion.
I struggled with making repair that really worked.
I was stretched to mature into new ways of understanding.
I had to grow into greater compassion and forgiveness.
And I needed mentorship and support to do these things, because I was stuck…thought I knew the way through them, but really didn’t know exactly HOW to apply it.
I struggled. I felt hurt.. and I also could be hurtful too, like any one of us.
It’s not easy to share that with you, but it’s human, and real and what so many of my couples go through.
We can feel ashamed in our limitations.
And wonder how to grow these love-healing qualities.
The love-less soup that can create. And then you wonder how the heck to have hot sex, love and closeness.
But we made a decision, we dove in to learn and get through it all.
I grew my compassion by practicing Tonglen, an ancient Buddhist meditation that helps you literally, breath by breath reprocess pain, fear, and suffering, while also growing compassion.
My hubby did it too. And he learned to be the embodiment of repair and forgiveness by asking me about all my hurts, one by one, and bringing deep care, support and creativity right there, after places where I’d feel hurt by him. I had to learn to open my heart of compassion, and allow healing and understanding.
And because we had such a big love together, all the loveless parts of us (fear, insecurity, worry, hurt), came up for healing between us… to come home, right into love’s embrace, which then, only intensified the hot sex, love and closeness and helped bring all that goodness and yumminess, right into our family as well. Definitely a juicy mix you don’t want to be without.
You need all these forms of love too.. in every place they are not there…in every
– hurt
– injury
– wound
– misunderstanding
– slight
– disconnection
– lack of understanding
– cold or contracted place
– or anywhere else that needs it
I know what it’s like.. to pull yourself out of these places, to bring in understanding, true repair, forgiveness, and love.
To risk the courage to be vulnerable and get real and take accountability for your shortcomings, and to rise up in triumph and love as you do it.
I can assure you, it’s worth all the effort, even if you’re uncertain, hurt or insecure about it right now.
Just imagine all those challenging places in you, receiving all these love-medicines right now.. in your body, your heart, your mind, and between you in relationship.
Sense that softness of support, of understanding, of compassion, and forgiveness right there.. right where you’re hurting right now.
Let it in.
And let the love begin to heal you.
This is a foundational pillar of what creates the hot sex, love and closeness you desire and need.
It’s your time to have it, all the way!
So if there was one little thing you can do right now, to move in the direction of expressing understanding or compassion to your partner, for something that you KNOW they need.. what would it be?
For me, right now, I’m going to go into the other room where my hubby is, and drop a big love bomb of understanding and compassion at all the risks he’s taking right now to grow in certain areas in his life. He needs this.. and I can be a great partner to giving to him. What will you do?
