If you’re stuck in endless, seemingly non-resolvable, conflicts with your partner that don’t seem to really stop, there IS a way out. And yet, you can’t see it because you’re not aware of exactly what the full ‘cycle’ clearly is that has you getting into this conflict over and over again.
Once you identify the repeating pattern and make THAT the enemy instead of each other, you’ll finally be on your way to healing. Let me explain..
You might know that you get into the same argument/ fight over and over again, it’s achingly familiar, but you’re not fully aware of each micro-detail of the interaction and how it unfolds the same way each time.
And who could ever be expected to know about how to even know what a negative cycle is, until you’re knee deep in it, saying to yourself, “What the eff is going on here, AGAIN?” like my clients can often say when they are ‘in it.’ But there it is, familiar feeling, repeating, nagging, irritation, hearing the same things be said, and friction producing to your otherwise good connection.
This repeated pattern (which all couples have somewhere) organizes your behavior, you’re used to it, and I’m pretty sure if you lean into this naming of it with me, in all the details, you’ll be much more able to get a sense of the unique and negative relationship cycle that comes and nabs you, when you least expect it. And, heal and resolve it.
Finally, you get to have a way to process these endless, never getting to the bottom of things interference. These entanglements are trying to get your attention so you can birth a much better version of what’s actually possible for you both. That is what these negative cycles are all about…finally getting to the bottom of it, which I KNOW would satisfy your soul instead, (and mine, to tell you the truth).
It can be learned, named, resolved. And finally healed.
Here’s how.
First, you have to actually identify and have the awareness to see that a difficult and painful pattern, or cycle, repeats, and that it is particular to your unique relationship. No one else has this cycle. It does not play out with friends or others, only intimate relationships. So when you feel that familiar and painful repetition with your beloved, name it. Say, “we’re in our negative cycle.”
For example, you might notice that your partner says something about his preferences for dinner. You want something different. There’s a tone, a few words and a look. And you are activated. Then he is. You’ve been here before. There is a particular flavor and sense of ‘we’re in it again.’ You have to start noticing the feelings of it, the thoughts that go along with it, and the body sensations of it. And name them. And then to notice the stories you tell yourself about it. And then there’s the way you feel about the cycle after it’s over.
All this is work is to begin to be IN relationship with the cycle more consciously.
This is HUGE to begin to help you have a different relationship with it.
You’ve probably already noticed that the pieces of your negative cycle all have numerous expressions, over and over, that try to get your attention, with the hope that you decode what they mean enough so you can get into a more conscious relationship of what is actually trying to happen through the challenges. I call them ‘portal fights’, because they are a portal (as in swift vehicle to get to the roots of what’s REALLY going on) to get in touch with your negative cycle and the vulnerable material underneath. For example, there’s been an undercurrent of vulnerability whenever you have sex, that’s just not feeling good. It’s gotten more dramatic each time. It’s not about the sex, it’s about something deeper, more tender and more vulnerable., something that’s hard to talk about, and something that produces what feels like suffering without getting the relief you want. That is another key to knowing you are in a negative relationship cycle.
The cycle is the real cause of the disconnection..NOT EACH OTHER, And once we start accepting we have one, and many versions of it, we start to get free of them. I’ve had to get VERY intimate with the many faces of it in my own marriage over the years. It’s not been fun or easy to admit (especially doing this work ;-), but embracing this has helped heal almost all of them.
When we understand that the negative relating cycle is organizing our mind-body, and hearts and that it’s not what we want, we have an opportunity to really look into it and to get intimate with the resources that will be needed to resolve it, which is a start.
We’re used to thinking thoughts about the repeating challenges like,
“Well maybe he or she isn’t right for me…”
Or
“ This is too overwhelming…I don’t know what is the right thing to do…”
Or what I used to do…
“Not this again – “ We must choose to notice our habituated responses.
When we embrace the power of our choice, we can choose to embrace that we have a cycle, we accept it, and when our partner does too, we can see we are both part of what unfolds. For example, he brings in the groceries in a way that annoys you, but you don’t know why. It’s easy to criticize him in complaint. He reacts to that. It escalates. And yet, your criticism is also part of the cycle as much as whatever you think he is contributing as well. We can notice the repeating painful patterns and do nothing, or, we can choose to apply wisdom so we can start healing it. That’s a choice. And when we team up to go hunt that negative cycle, before it comes and snatches our happiness, we’re already healing it, because making the cycle the enemy is very powerful. Blame that if you want. But not each other.
When you do this, you are redefining what it means to partner, because now instead of any blame or attribution towards each other, you are the hunter of the negative cycle together, and that is the power position for healing to be in. When I’ve seen my clients do that, huge healing can start to have a chance to happen, every, single time!
And this takes practice, courage, humility and forgiveness to do this, because you can’t always get it right, despite your best intentions. It will require tremendous understanding, honestly and deep love to get to the other side. It can be done.
Conventional therapies and most coaching in this area focus on just action based to-do steps, (insights that are supposed to magically transform you – but they don’t have the embodiment to BE those insights) and talking ‘around’ things (saying, ‘yup, it’s hard,’ and asking you what you think), but never actually drop into the core of the heart, body and nervous system of what it really takes to shift into a healing, intimate relationship with all these pieces of the cycle like I’ve shared above. This is essential for real change, and it takes deep feeling with awareness, deep sensing of the body sensations and flow, honest reflection of the post conflict pattern, all of which is intimate and vulnerable work, especially with your partner. This is not just chit chat.. It’s what I mean by talking ‘around’ these things. It’s very deep work.
And most people who run these types of helping situations don’t have this awareness, embodiment and knowledge, let alone the ability and inner resources to help gather all the pieces of the negative cycle together on all the levels – mentally, emotionally, somatically, spiritually and sexually, to help you assemble it easily and clearly, which I excel at.
Book reading, journaling or weekend workshops or ‘codes’ ascension have failed my clients in this foundational area along with the thinking the relationship isn’t compatible for you either.
So often I’ve seen couples break up with one person, only to repeat the same negative cycle with another, it needs this level of attention so that it does not keep happening.
And when you do that…the world of sustainable (and satisfying) sex, love and closeness relationship opens up for you. It may happen quickly if you’re willing, courageous and open (what I’ve seen with my clients) Or, it may take longer if there are more layers of ancestral healing, blame, trauma and difficulty to wade through. Either way, it’s worth it weight in gold, for the sustainability that is needed, that’s what you want, and the beautiful gifts of closeness, intimacy and more amazing sex that it brings to your love and happiness.
In my 3 months private, hybrid 1:1 and group program, I help coaches, entrepreneurs and professionals figure out how to specifically unearth, roto rooter, heal and dissolve the most vexing of negative relationship cycles, and then move from disconnection fallout and failing to give each other what the relationship needs to thrive, into real, sustainable, sex love and closeness. In addition, we address intersecting attachment pattern issues, and thoroughly rewire them, along with decoding precisely what the root cause of the disconnection is. Email me at joanna@joannaintara.com me if you’re interested and we’ll have a quick chat to see if it’s a fit.
