And it needs to be spoken about, (even though some of you might not like me for it), because I’ve seen this behavior be extremely difficult to navigate in couples, in friendships, and there’s more awareness we can ALWAYS bring, especially NOW more than ever as countless couples all over the planet are cooped up with each other with very little elsewhere to go except inside their process EVEN deeper, or separate (inside their own homes and apartments).
I have also seen these behaviors in myself, and in clients and couples as well and let me just say, SO not easy to navigate.
There’s a time when the codependent person in the relationship wakes up to the fact they too have needs, and aren’t there to simply be a supply for the more narcissistic person in the relationship, there is A LOT there.
Anger…Resentment…Fear…Sadness and Hurt
Legacy of non-self advocacy pain…Identity Crisis
And sometimes the baddest assed over-compensationist boundary warrior/ress you’ve ever seen…
None of these are wrong states…
and yet the HIDDEN unseen narcissistic side of the codependent..the reactive EXPECTATION that instead of now constantly leaving the self, to go caretake…
That NOW, the other should soley, take care of them, only see them, go to them first, choose them, come get them…
I’m not saying this is entirely unhealthy…it’s healthy to want to receive care, support and reflection, and bring things into rite relationship with self.
And sometimes, at the vulnerable, intimate and messy edge of starting to create boundaries, there is hatred, anger and rage or other very difficult feelings – at not being supported to HAVE CREATED THE BOUNDARIES to begin with and at the original caregivers who did not REACH OUT and provide the support, care, reflection and checking in on the child who needed that.
And what if, some or all of these behaviors that play out later comes from reaction as opposed to response. Which is it in your case if this is you?
As in, ‘I gave for so long, and now I’m entitled’ or the first cousin of this, ‘I demand and expect (there’s the narcissism) for people to come entirely to me..come get me, come always reach out to me.’
Sound familiar?
And again, part of the narcissism IS healthy, but the question is – where does it become unhealthy?
Is the rage and anger at having lost self, fueling the demanding behavior?
Is the reactive expectation, boundaries, entitlement to you being exclusively catered to really meant to be set (and healthily respected from the caregivers) by a child in the face of the adult who sucked love and presence from them, when they were too little to give it freely, INSTEAD OF the person you’re currently in relationship or friendship with?
It takes A LONG time in most of the work I’ve done professionally and personally to heal all this.
There are layers and layers.
There are the earliest layers of when we first were taken over by our environment and when we left ourselves to go fuse with other. As in, after conception there is 24 hour period where everything that was in the field of the parents, the environment TOTALLY FUSES with the tender tiny zygote? Just think about that. What was in your field at that time? Can you see any places where you are fused with what was in that field that are playing out now? Interpersonally, mentally, emotionally, physically, instinctually, or financially?
I’ve been looking deep into this for me as I see now some of the most inceptive layers of my imprinting into codependency and caretaking happened at that time of my life.
And it continued on from there, because how we are conceived is how everything happens after that – implantation, the pregnancy, the birth, the attachment patterns.. and on it goes.
That’s a HUGE load of unraveling, unwinding, and re-templating ALL those imprints with presence, a healthy interpersonal field, and a re-regulated nervous system IN all the areas that exist in life.
This is NO joke and it’s big work and those of you doing that work I’m celebrating you because I know what it takes.
Some of you might find yourself resonating with this because you’re in it, you might be triggered because I’m reminding you of something that’s uncomfortable in this field.
This whole field IS very uncomfortable.
It’s filled with all the disconnection from self.
The loss of self and sovereignty.
The loss of attunement, seeing, empathy, holding and reflection by the other which in turn SHOULD HAVE been there to help you see yourself.
…The years of giving away and jumping out of self to go get for self, to feel safe, loved and connected.
…The continuous rupture of self by abandoning self for taking care of the other while sounding the perpetrated victim battle cry of ‘give to me, see what I did for you?’
…The codependent-narcissist import/export dysfunctional unconscious agreement insurance policy that you’ll get as long as you give, that finally ran out because you woke up, thank goddess!
So I hope you have the deepest of compassion for yourself…because it’s not easy at all. It’s grueling and joyous to come face to face with how we have left ourselves time and time again.
And yet, we must come into balance in our relationships, not in expecting or demanding the other to care for us as our parents and caregivers never did, but to make sovereign choices from the healed place to engage mutually, choice-fully and cleanly, free of reaction, demand, expectation, or outsourcing our’s inner childs’ needs to the others in our lives.
And when we do this in partnership or other relationships, the liberation of life and love-force (as I’ve said for years) is immense. It’s healing. It’s ecstatic (makes me tingle all over just sensing into it because I’ve taken this journey too) and what births is a nectar of presence, self love and awareness that allows you to create the deep wishes you’ve always had. You know, those deep soul whispering ones…
Are you feeling me? If this is you, I’d love to chat with you (you know where to find me) and hear more about your journey and walk you through it to the other side. I know we can, and that the entanglements you are sitting on are a goldmine of everything you desire.
Especially now, our sovereign access to ALL our life and love force, our presence, love and awareness is needed to navigate what lies in front of us.
