The problem with couples relationships isn’t communication problems, it’s that deep feelings aren’t dignified with deep hearing and seeing, and felt sense communications…
“Why can’t I state my boundaries without heart pounding, tears, or being afraid of what the other person’s response will be?” I was asked this week? It’s not that there is something wrong with you, or that you can’t do it.
Hear it this way – this is a redirect from your body to clear the somatic imprint that goes along with expressing needs.
And you start by temporarily releasing ALL the stories that the mind tells you about why or what’s wrong with you or your relationship or thoughts, perceptions, or images. You can come back to them anytime, but for now, we are going a different way.
To where?
Below, underneath the issue of boundaries, there is a deeper story trying to be told.
There is a deeper part of you trying to express and we are going to listen and make space for exactly what that is.
My guess is that it’s been trying to get told for a number of years around boundaries, and that it is perhaps an old or older story so it probably feels very familiar, right?
You can see what of that is true for you, even right now.
And while we don’t engage the story too much, we also use the story to point us to the link up – the connection. We can see that when we have an issue with stating our boundaries, we have body sensations. Our heart pounds, we have tears and fear. We make sure to locate all the issues IN our bodies.
We identify the sensations.
What are they?
And where in the body are they?
Do the sensations move?
Are they active or static?
We are engaged with curiosity, observation, awareness, and presence, NOT at the thoughts, but the (what I call ) the body-field instead.
We put our attention THERE.
And what are we noticing about our experience when we do that?
What happens to our sensations?
Does anything change?
Does it move to a different location?
Ten times out of ten times I can say for sure that there will be a noticeable shift of some kind. This is my direct experience both as a client and guide, repeatedly!
This is part of how you start giving the body sensations part of what they need.
But what’s also important here is that those sensations have memories, stories, and very relevant history to be shared, heard, revealed, dignified, and seen for what they are.
As in…
– When I feel heart-pounding, and I want to share my boundaries in my partnership, it reminds me of every time I tried to set a boundary when I was younger. (relevant history seen)
– My father was threatening, he would come up behind me and be very intimidating. And my mother froze and just cried silently. (more relevant history)
– I couldn’t tell him how I felt. (heard, seen, dignified)
– I wanted to. But he was so forceful that I just trembled trying to smile, and no one really knew that because I shoved it away. (original impulses heard)
– But now I’m putting a voice to all this. (seen and heard in the now)
– Now you are seeing me. (seen and heard in the interpersonal)
– Now I can see how much all this stuff has been linked up in my body. (making connections)
– Now I am present to it. (giving it what it didn’t get before)
– Now I can be aware. (and zooming out to see all my parts and inside them)
– Now I can make a choice to do something different because I am no longer locked into the overwhelm because I am meeting it. (and I have a choice today whereas I didn’t then.)
This is part of a process called RESOURCING.
And it’s what body sensations need when they call out for it in interpersonal challenges, or desires, or conversations amongst partners.
And the truth is that they won’t go away until they can come home in this embrace you feel here.
And I love how much the coaching world is starting to acknowledge there is trauma, but I can’t emphasize enough how trauma aware – is simply that.. Aware there is trauma, it may not mean they are trained or embodied or practiced and that is key. Sometimes those trained in trauma aren’t also relationship, love, and sexuality experts. With this work with me, you get both, and so much more.
And when you resource your body, in all the activation places that relationship conversations can bring up, things literally cannot stay the same, thoughts aren’t the same, emotions aren’t the same, desires aren’t the same, words are different, presence is different, and without a doubt, the conversations shift always for the better, the more real, the more honest and more transformative.
This leads to the precious gem of intimacy that for me, makes life worth living. It is truly a treasure to behold and it’s available for you too when you decide.
In my 3 months private, hybrid 1:1 and group program, I help coaches, entrepreneurs and professionals go from the overwhelming body sensations evoked by boundary conversations, to becoming safely embodied and resourced to confidently and securely state their needs, desires, and clear limits or boundaries with the one they love. When this happens, watching the intimacy, love, and closeness expand is the biggest gift of all. Email me at joanna@joannaintara.com if you’re interested and we’ll have a quick chat to see if it’s a fit.
