There were days in my healing journey to experience more closeness and intimacy in my marriage that felt so dark.
After such a profound honeymoon period, of long extended lovemaking, multiple times per day, mega love, and closeness and connectedness, how could the period after have been filled with so much challenge and disconnection?
Not many people tell you that after the romantic love period is over, there is a stage where you reconcile what you projected onto your partner, with who they actually are.
It’s also called the power struggle stage.. and it’s where most people break up.
The potent combination of ‘falling in love’ hormones.. are a powerful cocktail that are nothing like the brain has ever seen. The brain can only sustain that for 18 months. It’s even stronger than heroin. That’s why people feel so horrible sometimes, at the power struggle stage. The drugs are wearing off.. and reality is hitting.
Who the heck (or hell) are you anyway?
And who really, are you??
The things we can think or say.
In fact, there are hardly any good movies that show couples getting through this stage…so we decided to make our own.. with the happy, close, connected ending and journey that we are living now…
I’ll be honest, this road to develop connection can be filled with great fears and doubt about what to do to navigate the real path forward to true love and connection and closeness that’s real and sustainable.
And my sweet hubby and I were determined to not become a casualty of our ancestral trauma and divorce lineages. I mean the word dissolution that people click on the divorce papers.. is really when you break it down really means disconnected from a solution. Our disconnected places were a wake up call, so we got serious and focused, and you will need to as well, if you’re not giving up on the closeness and intimacy that you desire.
We knew that the connection and closeness we had was sacred, precious and worth it’s weight in gold.
But what we didn’t know was how to maintain it when there were challenges. And let’s face it, there’s going to be challenges and spots where connection will fizzle.
And then you’ll wonder… or question.. what do you do? Like us.
My hubby would ask me.. “How do we stay close.. what do we do…what do we have to prioritize…I want to be close to you but then shadows take over…”
And with two kids now part of the scene, and two businesses to manage we felt so full, overwhelmed and stuck with how to create the kind of partnership connection that makes life worth living.
We decided to go for it.. And that looked like
– Date nights, scheduled regularly..
– Taking time away for ourselves both individually and as a couple
– Workouts, to really respect our bodies.. and the good endorphins and creativity that comes from caring from them
– Reminders of our love. I love hearts of all kinds.. he reminds me of the love we have by sharing them with them. He loves me kissing him in a part of his cheek just the way he likes it.. I remember that and give him that.
– Come back to the felt sense, in your bodies of the best parts of your connection, closeness, intimacy and love. When you re-member this.. often, connection happens.
– Identifying this… what helps you return to love and closeness when it’s gone? For us, it’s a certain look, a smile.. breathing practices, sustained eye contact for at least 21 seconds.. all those help.. but you can find yours?
– What’s the best part of your love and expanding that?
– Who supports you, holds your best vision for your relationship? and champions you until you get there?
– What mentors do you have?
– Who do you admire that you can draw on their energy who is doing a version of closeness and intimacy that you desire?
We did ALL these things…
And we’re still doing them…
They are a practice, not a perfection.
And I’ll share with you…the result…
We are close and getting closer all the time..
We have intimacy that’s emotionally secure..
We resolve any blips on our screen really quickly..
And we get to enjoy the love and sweetness and then extend that into our lives, our creative projects, our work, our kids and community..
Now that is precious..
And you get to have it too.
And here’s the thing. I already know you have a million things to do..
This is NOT about quantity of time.
This is about energy, focused, quality, intentional…NOW
And that’s where a mentor comes in…who has curated the way forward for you, based on thousands of hours of experience, practice, application and relentless devotion, and who will support you in making the space for this…to bring into you the embodiment, that little acts of these, like the small kisses on the cheek.. they lead to huge shifts.. the delicious closeness and intimacy..there’s a hum of delight that runs through your whole being…it’s yummy and shivery all at the same time…
I’m looking forward to celebrating that energy on my upcoming Anniversary!
What’s ONE fun intimacy thing you can recommend we do to celebrate our anniversary?
